Sorry, Back to Private....

How sick is it that I'm afraid he will somehow read this and get even angrier with me.

When did I become this person? :( I don't even recognize myself anymore.

10-4 over and out.

Again, I Get "The Talk" From My Boss....

So DB sent me a nasty e-mail yesterday - while I was at work - ending our relationship because he hates The Bunny.

Fine.

But, to do it while I'm at work? Not fine. So I, of course, was hysterically crying at my desk. I called Mama Dukes and she was no help. She made me angrier with some of the dumb sounding questions she was asking. I know she didn't know what to say and I know she was just trying to keep my mind off of it while I counted down until 5. Of course, The Boss comes over to my desk at 4:50 and sees the tears streaming down my face. This morning I get this e-mail from him:

"Please come in to my office and let me know where you are at with JM orders and billing - the # was 12m yesterday with 300 unbilled orders."

F*ck. I go into his office with the biggest, fakest smile I can muster.

"Beth!," he yells. "What's going on?" I smile and say, "Nothing, what's up?"
"You are on this emotional roller coaster and I don't know what to do to help you," he says. "I need you HERE right now - we just lost a huge client and my numbers are low. I need all hands on deck."

The LAST thing I need right now is to lose my job. Could anything else go bad for me right now?? ARGH!!!

Back to an Open Blog...

It seems a lot of people have trouble getting into and viewing my blog... So I am back to having an open blog until I can get this figured out. This is so frustrating.

I guess it really doesn't matter anyway, now does it?

I am SO miserable right now. :( 10-4 over and out.

No Time For My Drama??

Ugh!!!!!!! I am completely at a loss for words. So last night DB said he wasn't coming over and that was it. He shut his cell phone off. I messaged him that I wasn't sure why he was ignoring me, etc. I won't lie, part of me believes he shut his phone off because he was going out with someone else - a friend, I don't believe he'd cheat on me (I know, I know, how ironic). Anyway, I wanted to drive by his house. And I really considered doing it. But, the angel on my shoulder talked me out of it. I popped a valium and went off to dreamland.

Today, no response. Nothing. I e-mailed his twice this morning and messaged him again. I finally gave up and messaged him, "You win." I get this back:
"The kids are home today. Sorry but I have a life aside from your drama. Did you call my house at 11:30 last night?"
WTF? No. I didn't. So, I write back and tell him this. Then he responds with:
"Stop harassing me. I'll let you know when I have time to talk."

Am I a piece of trash? He will just talk to me when HE feels like it and I am supposed to just sit here like a dog and patiently wait until he gets over his problem??

I AM SO FUCKING FRUSTRATED RIGHT NOW!!! I COULD JUST SCREAM. If I wasn't sitting at my WORK desk, I would scream.

I'm Shrinking....

I've definitely noticed lately that I am not as tall as I once was. I can't reach things, I'm tiny next to people.... This morning, since it snowed, I got to clean off Mica for the first time. I can't reach the top of my truck. This can't be good. LOL. 10-4 over and out.

Making Choices....

Hi Kids & Porn Stars..... It's almost 4:30 AM on Sunday morning and what started out as a great weekend, turned into hell.

On Friday, contrary to what some people thought (ahem, Flirt! LOL), I did get a raise. 5% - which, for my company is pretty damn good. It's about $2K more a year, which isn't much, but every little bit helps. After work I ran a bunch of errands and got a lot done. I got to see RyRy really quick and then raced down to the 'Burg to meet DB for dinner. Dinner was nice and I was really looking forward to seeing his band play and hanging out with The Bunny. After dinner, I raced home and rested for a bit. Then I got ready and headed back to the 'Burg. The Bunny was already there and the band was on a break. DB's dad was there and I, of course, got the stare down. But this time I was stronger and ignored it. The night flew by and things were going well. I got to meet a friend of The Bunny's. The band wrapped up around 2AM and we decided to head over to 32while DB packed up. We got there and the staff was being a little obnoxious. For people I work with, I was a little irritated by their behavior. Regardless, DB showed up, and the two were getting along. Things seemed to be going well. Bunny decided to sleep over, she had what I thought was too much to drink and drive. 4AM came and it was time to go (rather, we got thrown out, but that's a story for another time.) We headed home - me in my car and both of them in theirs. I get close to my house and DB calls me - "She kept going, she's driving home."I get to my house and he's there. "What can we do?," he asks. So I call her. Long story short, she decided to drive home and hung up on me. I didn't know what else to do, so I called her Mama Dukes. That's when it became my fault she was drinking - my Mama Dukes was angered by all this, DB was angry - things got way out of control. All because I wanted to help my friend.... My hands were tied. Some very harsh words came out of The Bunny's mothers mouth towards me. I fell asleep crying in DB's arms.

Saturday - Woke up late and had little time to make it to Erica's baby shower (I'm still in awe that she's having twin boys!!) The Bunny called and we talked. Her mother apologized. I told her we would talk more after the shower, I would come over for dinner. The shower went great - Erica got some fabulous gifts for the boys. I got to see Maggie Sue, Midge, AJ and the newest addition - Sydney :). Of course I was RIDICULOUSLY greedy and held Sydney as much as I could. She was way too adorable and I so want one. It was nice to see the girls - and being slightly hungover (and very exhausted) it was nice to be around so much food, LOL. At 4, we all headed out, Erica looked tired and had a TON of gifts to go through. I headed home and rested up for a bit. DB had a gig that night at cockroach heaven, but I wasn't in the mood for loud music and a crowd - and besides that, The Bunny promised me a home cooked meal. I headed to her place around 8 and we sat down to a yummy salad and some pasta. We talked and after eating we got comfortable on the couch and popped in Season 1 of SVU. DB messaged me asking if I was coming to the gig. I told him where I was. He responded with this, "You've got to be kidding me. Either she goes or I go. I'm done with the drama." At that point, I regretted telling him where I was. I really didn't want it to be this way - and through text. I went home and waited for him to call at the end of his gig. He waited until 3AM - on purpose. He knew I was sleeping by that point. He got very nasty with me - drove all the way to 32 - even though he was on the other side of the county - because he "needed a drink." He was being nasty and hung up on me. So I headed over to 32 and confronted him. "You are so predictable," he said. He then proceeded to tell me what "trash" my friend and her family is. And yelled about how I could want someone like her in my life. We walked out together, he stopped talking to me - he peeled out, swerving. So I followed him. We talked at some red lights, but he kept driving away, angrily. (Can we see a pattern here? He's drinking, I'm not. He's dramatic, I'm not??) Not that far out, I get pulled over. Coincidence? I think not. It was his friend JC. It was SSSOOO obvious DB called him and asked him to pull me over. Especially now since DB kept driving (and now claims he didn't know I got stopped. Hmmm, what gave it away - the flashing RED AND BLUE F-ing lights?? JC let me go - after saying some things that gave away his guilt - and I went home. I'd had enough.

Sunday - I didn't want to talk to anyone. I just wanted to be alone. DB calls while he's out and we talk more. He tells me he didn't know I got stopped but that JC messaged him that he owes him one. He had to quickly go and then we messaged back and forth the rest of the night. His second to last message was basically, "So your never talking to her again?" This was the only way he was going to talk to me again or come over. Then 10:30 comes around and all of a sudden he's tired and staying home.

I don't think I've ever in my whole life - this includes knowing The Bunny - had such a dramatic, insane, erratic relationship. I don't know what I'm supposed to do or think. Give up my friendship of almost 6 years for someone I've know for less than 6 months. Give up what I thought was the love of my life - but who insists on shutting me out every time he gets mad? I don't know. I'm confused, angry, upset and completely at a loss for words. I'm at the end of my rope here. 10-4 over and out.

I Give Fairly Good Advice….

But, I don’t take it too well – I mean, if any one of my girlfriends were in the position I am in, I would tell them – scratch that – scream at them to leave. Immediately. I guess people can never see what other people can see. Am I different person now? Do I really have residual issues from my father’s absence and untimely death? I don’t know. I never really thought I did. You know what’s weird? I have only ever missed having a father – once. When I saw house close my co-worker was with her dad. I had a bad day at work, was PMSing and then got to see that. And I teared up. Other than that, it really just felt like I didn’t have a dad. And I was OK with it. I never knew what it was like to have a loving father, so how could I miss it? I always equated my “promisquity” as a teenager to the fact that I was REALLY HUGE and then Maggie Sue and I dropped a bunch of weight and I was making up for lost time. I never really thought it was because I “didn’t have a dad.” I know all psychologists feel that women get really f’d up from having an absentee father, but I can only imagine how f’d up I would have been had my parents stayed together. Besides, I know lots of women who have great fathers who “get around.” So why is this now becoming an issue? I know I get a little crazy at times (mostly when drinking, lol). I also know that everyone has their crazy moments, don’t they?

Anyway, I picked up Mica last Thursday night (Or Veronica, we can’t decide what to call my new car….) I spent Thursday night driving around with The Bunny, breaking her in. She is HOT – I love it. Not so good on the gas though, lol, but I finally have a “truck.” I will have pics up as soon as I can…. She isn’t completely broken in as of yet, there is nothing really personal in her yet besides Schmitty, my rearview mirror danglers, and some CD’s. I almost don’t feel as though she is really all mine yet…. Plus it’s weird having the Accord still in the driveway :( It’s hard to let her go – I had some good times in that car :) I’m enjoying driving my new car around town, although I feel VERY poor lately. Haha. I took back my third night at 32 (at least for this week) because I am in need of some cash flowage – ASAP. I don’t know how I am going to make it through 5 full days at WK and then 3 long nights at 32, but I will try my hardest to make due. We’ll see what happens. I might be dead by the weekend, LOL. Just kidding…..

My boss is out this week. Rumor is that some raises were given out this year. Not everyone is getting a raise. I am going to FLIP THE F**K out if I don’t get a raise. Especially since I asked for one, I DESERVE one, and I need one. My friend (I love her dearly) who told me she was getting a raise…. Well, she walks around endlessly during the day (don’t get me wrong, she gets her work done….), comes in late almost every day (and I’m not talking 10 minutes – I’m talking 30-60 minutes late daily), and she really doesn’t go above and beyond. They gave her 4%. Not much, but every little bit helps. If I don’t get one, I will really freak out. Her boss told her not to tell anyone about it because “not everyone is getting a raise this year.” WTF? 4% across the board would really kill them?? I’m fairly settled in here until I am in school and done with school, but seriously how long can a person go being kicked while they are already on the ground?? I’ve been sending out some resumes, but I don’t want to go too far as this may not be what I do for the rest of my life and would ideally like to remain in close commute to 32 and the school I am looking into. This is so frustrating…. Maybe I just really need a vacation. Ahhhhh, AZ. :)

It’s 10AM and I haven’t done anything work related. I think I’m a little too bitter about this raise thing. Maybe I should wait and make sure I definitely didn’t get one before I go on strike. LOL. 10-4 over and out!

What a Friggin' Ordeal!!!

Ohhhhhhh JESUS Heyseus! LOL. OK, so as you all know, I've leased a new car. I am supposed to pick it up tonight.... Well, Honda - the bastards that they are - won't do my vehicle inspection until 3/8/07 the earliest (I suspect because I won't be re-leasing through them). Which means I have to KEEP MY CAR until then. Which means for the next 21 days, I will have two cars. My driveway only holds two cars - mine and Mama Dukes. Where the F am I supposed to put this 3rd friggin car? Then, my license / registration / insurance are all under a separate address which is proving to be a problem with Mazda, because that's all the mail I get at that second address. I just spent the last hour running around getting the address changed on my insurance, getting copies of statements with Mama Dukes address on it and figuring out a way to get my registration and license address changed (I lost my damn passport months ago. Tonight will be spent searching for the passport and my birth certificate (after I pick up the car - if I can pick up the car). I am so frustrated and stressed about this. I'm poor now. I've had a stress headache for 2 days and I can't concentrate because I'm excited for the new car. Argh!!!!!!!!! Is it really worth all this?? LOL.

I LOVE Being Right!!!!!!!

So, I heard back from the New York State Department of Labor today and this is what they had to say about my customers walking out on a bar tab and my Employer making me pay the tab:

No, this is illegal. Your employer cannot require that you pay a tab for a customer who walks out, or make a deduction from your wages or withhold your wages for this reason. If so, you can file a complaint with the Division of Labor Standards. Go to http://www.labor.state.ny.us/workerprotection/laborstandards/workprot
/lsdists.shtm to contact your local district office for assistance.

Carmine Ruberto
Acting Director


By: Vincent Hammond
Senior Labor Standards Investigator
New York State Department of Labor
Division of Labor Standards
247 West 54th Street, 6th Floor
New York, New York 10019
(212) 621-0880

I just LOVE being right AND having it in writing for all to see. ROCK ON! 10-4 over and out.

Totally Excited....

G'morning Kids & Porn Stars.... OK, so I am WAY TOO EXCITED to get my new car. I can't sit still! Although I will be piss poor for the next few weeks, IT IS SO WORTH IT. I think I did the right thing - I was offered to take the car home last night, but opted against it. I didn't think I was ready, didn't have my checkbook (hence my comment below that I was JUST LOOKING), and I still need to work things out with my Honda lease. I can't pick it up tonight or tomorrow because I have to work at 32, so today and tomorrow I am going to be all gittery and excited to pick it up. My mom is already calling a sick day for Thursday, but I can't do that. I need to save my time off for AZ! :) And I need to make sure I get into 32 because I need that $ to spend in AZ! LOL. :)

Ugh.... I work to buy things. I buy things to make me happy because I hate work. It's a vicious cycle. Hahaha..... 10-4 over and out.

Say Hello To Mica.....

****Had to remove the Picture as it screwed up my links on the side bar. Sorry kids, just click on the link!****
Say hello to my new car - picking it up on Thursday night - wish me luck with it!!! Of course, my car will be Black Cherry "Mica" colored, not black. :) This car IS SO HOT, so nice to drive, AND SO WORTH WORKING 2 jobs... (Of course it's less $ per month then my current car!!! That helps too!! I walked in with the intention of looking only (I still have month left on my lease), but the offer rocked my face off, I couldn't pass it down. I can't wait to pick it up!! :)

10-4 over and out.

I'm Dog Tired, Boss......

G'afternoon Kids & Porn Stars... TGIF. I am totally dragging ass today. I didn't realize exactly how tired I was until I sat down at my desk and actually contemplated leaning back and taking a nap in my chair. It's times like this I wish I had an office. I'm not nodding off because I am keeping busy, but I am thoroughly exhausted and can't wait for bed tonight. I have to run a few errands after work, then it's off to Kel-Kel's place to see her and Maggie Sue for a bit. I promised DB I'd be home in time to see him - we haven't seen much of each other lately. Oddly, it's been nice. Probably because we aren't fighting. LOL. But, we want to see one another for a bit before he goes into work. I fell asleep on him briefly last night. I worked the last 3 nights at 32 (I HATE restaurant drama!!). The money was so worth it though - $403 for about 14 hours worth of work. Can't beat that!

So I have a question for anyone who works in the restaurant industry. If someone walks out on their tab, is it the servers responsibility to pay that bill?? I've hear it's illegal and I had a table walkout this week and they made me pay for it. It was only $12, but it's principle. I've searched all over the internet for answers and can't find it. Anyway.....

This cold weather is KILLING my skin. I can't wait to get to AZ and maybe get a little sun. :) On the traveling note, Mama Dukes purchased a time share last weekend. For me and her. It's in Massachusetts and it's only about 15 minutes from Albany. I can trade it and go other places, etc. but I am SO excited to have a weekend getaway place and cheaper travel! Who wants to go away? LOL.

I seriously think I am dying and I am going to pass out and my desk. I need sleep. ASAP. 10-4 over and out.

P.S. Why is this Anna Nicole Smith death so troublesome? I don't know why it's effecting me, but it really is quite sad. Don't you think?

Something Stinks in Suburbia....

G'afternoon Kids & Porn Stars. Bethany is NOT happy. OK, so for the last week or so, The Bunny and I have (still) been working the P/T job. Things were going smoothly, or so it seemed. It was like "family" there. We had our tiffs, ass grabbing, and good times. Last week, the owner was somewhat a dick on Wing Night. We didn't take too kindly to it, voiced our opinions and that was that. Friday night, he was a dick to The Bunny again. She didn't take too kindly to it and voiced her opinion. So last night I go in to check my schedule. Wednesday nights are now being split between 3 people - BBB, The Bunny and me. So basically, every other Wed. I am to be off. WTF? So I talked to Irish Boy and questioned the change. He tried to explain, but it wasn't logical. So we all started talking - heatedly. The Bunny and I stick together so we said, "If one leaves, we both leave." He got pissed, we got pissed. He wouldn't budge. Not only was all this happening, but she basically had 1 table all night and they had BBB come in to work a party - a party she could have worked. So, The Bunny WALKED OUT. She didn't even clock out. LOL. We headed over to Sterlington to talk to the owner about bartending jobs... We are supposed to find out soon. IB (Irish Boy) calls me, "Bethany, you know I love you. You know I value your work. Wed. nights are yours forever if you want them - I'm not trying to screw you." So why is OK now that Wed. nights are mine? Were they trying to get rid of The Bunny? Something stinks in Suburbia and I don't like it. I flat out asked him if they were trying to get rid of one of us and he said no, but I am not sure what I believe. I'm confused and a little irritated that I had to be annoyed on my day off. And now I have to work without The Bunny Wed. nights - until 2AM ish AND I still have to work this Thursday night. ARGH!!!!

Feeling Better.....

G'evening Kids & Porn Stars... Happy Super Bowl Sunday. Just wanted to check in with you all and let you know that after a dinner with DB and a whole day with Mama Dukes, I am feeling better. Per my mom today, "I haven't heard you laugh like this is a long time." Things must be moving on up for me.

Mama Dukes also bought me a FANTASTIC gift today. One that will last me a lifetime. I can't wait to start using it. ;)

10-4 over and out.

Bring Me to Life.... Save Me From the Nothing I've Become.

How can you see into my eyes like open doors?
Leading you down into my core,
Where I've become so numb...
Without a soul, my spirit's sleeping somewhere cold.
Until you find it there and lead it back home.

(Wake me up) Wake me up inside
(I can't wake up) Wake me up inside
(Save me) Call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up) Bid my blood to run
(I can't wake up) Before I come undone
(Save me) Save me from the nothing I've become

Now that I know what I'm without,
You can't just leave me.
Breathe into me and make me real,
Bring me to life.

(Wake me up) Wake me up inside
(I can't wake up) Wake me up inside
(Save me) Call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up) Bid my blood to run
(I can't wake up) Before I come undone
(Save me) Save me from the nothing I've become

Bring me to life.
(I've been living a lie, there's nothing inside)
Bring me to life.

Frozen inside without your touch,
Without your love, darling.
Only you are the life among the dead.

(All of this time I can't believe I couldn't see,
Kept in the dark but you were there in front of me...)

I've been sleeping a thousand years, it seems.
Got to open my eyes to everything.

(Without a thought, without a voice, without a soul.)
Don't let me die here.
(There must be something more.)
Bring me to life.

(Wake me up) Wake me up inside
(I can't wake up) Wake me up inside
(Save me) Call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up) Bid my blood to run
(I can't wake up) Before I come undone
(Save me) Save me from the nothing I've become

Bring me to life.
(I've been living a lie, there's nothing inside)
Bring me to life.

Someone special turned me onto this song many years ago.... Who knew how fitting it would be just when he came back into my life. I hate this feeling of not having control. I hate the unknown. I hate this pit in my stomach. There is so much to learn in life and (it seems) so little time to learn it. Everything you say and do becomes "you." People fault you for past mistakes and you become that person. How have I become the person I've become. Where did I lose myself? What a depressing week. :( Bethany is sad, but I'm certainly glad the weekend was here. My boss literally sent me home from work yesterday. He said I haven't been here "mentally" in over 2 weeks. Ouch. Hearing that made things worse.... So my stomach was sick with worry all afternoon. I couldn't sleep. Head my own advice - life is a roller coaster.... I am just on the downward spiral right now, but soon enough it will go back up. Right? 10-4 over and out.