A Thank You......

To Kel-Kel who did everything in her power last night to make me smile and laugh. And who's endless hugs will never be forgotten or taken for granted.

To Bunny who got me out of the house practically every night last week and talked to me over endless hours about the same things. Who, even in her deadest, tiredness, could still drive to Suffern to lay on my bed and let me cry.

To Cowgirl who lent me her ear over and over while I was at work and having emotional breakdowns on the phone. Her hugs couldn't be physically felt, but I knew they were there. Your tireless e-mails helped more than you'll know....

To Kippy who made sure to message me every morning that each day would get better.

To Lee who promised an ear any time I needed it and who has become a very good friend in a short period of time.

To RyRy for making me laugh, making fun of me, playing a little Stephen Lynch for me and lending me your wife when I needed her.

To Flirt for putting in his two cents in and giving me "the guys side." You said things I needed to hear, so thank you.

To DC who gave me countless hugs at work and would take walks with me to get some air. Your fastly becoming a cherished friend.

To Maggie Sue who sent her kind words through Kel-Kel even though she has her own sh*t going on with just having given birth! :)

Please forgive me if I've inadvertently left anyone off, it was not my intention and my short term memory blows right now.

Who the Hell Do I Know in Asbury Park, NJ??

G'afternoon Kids & Porn Stars.... Although I said I was checking out for a while, I find that this might be a helpful outlet for me. Because, right now, there seems like there is no help for me. I am absolutely the most miserable person to be around. I can't even stand to be around me.

I won't get into specifics about the DB break up. All I will tell you is that I have never been this hurt and miserable. I almost feel crazy. I cry at the drop of a hat. It's all I can talk about - people don't know what to say to me. All I know is that I can now honestly say that I know what love is. I realized that I loved "B," but I am not 100% sure I was in love with him. I NEVER felt like this when we broke up (all 3 times).

I am going to my doctor today... I can't stand this perpetual lump in my throat, this weight on my shoulders, my thoughts always circling back to him. Apparently, he is going to give something to me to help ease the pain. It's amazing how someone can get into your mind so badly. And now I start rethinking everything that was said to me. I start remembering he is a cop and to me, all cops are pigs (Sorry Julio). I just want to know, when does it get better? When does it get easier? I ran into him Wed. His Chiro is by my job and I saw him and pulled over. We talked - he was mean - he said he's e-mail me and left. I haven't gotten anything from him yet. He told me I don't keep my word - that I broke his trust. So his word means nothing?

Then last night, The Bunny and I ran around to finish up X-mas shopping. We went to the Mill for some dinner (I finally got a normal portion down). Who's there? "B." And no, I am not kidding. The rest of the crowd was, of course, all police men. Fabulous. We made plans to hang with some of them later on tonight (after midnight), but we'll see where the night takes us. I am supposed to visit Kel-Kel and hear her words of wisdom. For now, I'm off to the Dr. and hopefully he can help... Because of the love in the world from my awesome friends doesn't seem to be helping right now.... 10-4 over and out.

Someone from Asbury Park, NJ has been checking out my site a lot. WHo the heck are ya? :)

I Won't Be Updating for a While.....

DB broke up with me Monday AM and I have not been the same person since.

I need time to be alone and be by myself.

I'm miserable, sad, lonely, and depressed.

I've lost the love of my life because I made stupid mistakes. Stupid mistakes I probably wouldn't have made had I not been drinking. All things I need to take a look at myself and figure out why.

I'm checking out for a while.... If you know me, you know how to get in touch.

10-4 over and out.

Clarification.....

G'morning Kids & Porn Stars. This post is being made to clarify some things - just so you know.

My blog is a journal. It's where I go to rant and rave and get things off my chest before they boil into big, explosive, dramatic situations. It's a place where I can come to bounce my "issues" off my readers and friends. So Doogie can say, "Bethany, you're being an ass. Knock it off." Where Kel-Kel can say, "I'll be right over to give you a big Kel-Kel hug." Where KTU can say, "F that a-hole, they are trash." I don't judge people - never have. I don't surround myself with people who would (or I try not to). I expect my friends to form their own opinions on things. I don't expect anyone to read my blog here and assume that The Bunny is evil, that Mama Dukes is a b*tch or the DB is awful to me. Yes, things happen and I write about them here, but this is not me bashing anyone. This is just random sh*t that goes on in my head that I would write into a journal. I know that there are generational gaps - "B" and Harrison had HUGE problems with me having a blog, but among the people who are my age, I don't know many who DON'T have a blog. Even Kippy started one!

So now that I've clarified what the point of this "space" is, I want to apologize. I'm sorry if anyone got the idea that DB was a horrible person. He's really not - I wouldn't love him as much as I do if he was. None of you (my readers and friends) have made any comments about him, I just felt the need to clarify. He means the world to me and the last thing I want to do is hurt him with a "blog." 10-4 over and out.

Sexually Harassed.... At Home Depot?

G'morning Kids & Porn Stars.... Happy Tuesday. Let me recap the weekend so you can understand why I was harassed at a Home Depot last night (there's always a story, lol).

Friday night The Bunny came to pick me up and we headed over to the mall to see The Holiday. GREAT chick flick. I loved it.

Saturday - headed over to the part time job for my 10AM shift :(. It was a long and tiring day and I only made $35 in tips, but they paid me for my time which rocked. So overall for the day I did well. DB came over later that night and it was nice to see him after not seeing him for almost 2 days.

Sunday when I woke up I felt like I was 90 years old. It's been a while since I waitressed and I need to get used to it all over again, lol. I planned on getting the rest of my stuff out of storage and I had a big crew recruited to help :). Kel-Kel, Kippy, The Bunny, and Bunny's Papa Dukes all came out - with trucks! The whole process didn't take long, but it was a sweaty ordeal. by 6:30 I had my bed set up and we were all done. After that, Mama Dukes took me to dinner for some eats and then DB came by later on that night. As we were laying there watching t.v., BANG! My bed fell apart. LOL. DB got it back together for me and we thought all was well. He left shortly after for work and I passed out. 4AM comes around and - BANG! - my bed falls apart again! Argh! The wood frame has wooden slats on the bottom to hold the matress and box spring up and one piece is warped... So it keeps falling apart. :(

So last night, The Bunny came to pick me up and we went to the 'Mill and got some eats and chatted it up with the bartender about the Kramer situation, lol, and giving birth. That was enough to make me stop eating, so we then headed over to The Home Depot to get new wooden slats. We walked around looking for "wood" and finally came across the Lumber department. This guy called over to the Lumber guy, "Hey Jay, I'm sending over two BEAUTIFUL customers for you to help." The guy cut two pieces for me and we went back to the first guy to pay. As we were standing there, a mentally challenged cart pusher came up behind us and the cashier yells to him to "stop looking at" our "hot asses." Ummmmmm, OK, he's retarded. The cart guy gets all embarrassed and blushes and then yells at the cashier. "I I I I wasssssn't looking at their bbbbbutts. Stttttop saying that." Poor thing. The cashier continued to make comments as we walked out, but seriously, who does that?? LOL. We got back to my place and fixed my bed and then The Bunny was oof. DB came over later and we watched t.v. in my comfy bed. It was a nice night with him although he *tried* to start a fight with me, lol.

Tonight it's off to work after work. Fun-fun. DB will be there with a bunch of his co-workers for a squad party, so at least I will get to see him... I'm off to get some work done here. They had major layoffs at our sister company yesterday, so I need to keep myself in check so I'm not next :( 10-4 over and out.

I'm Trying the New Blogger Perks

And I think I am F***ing up my blog. LOL. Their new way is very time consuming and kind of a pain in the arse. LOL. But since I already updated my template, I have to use their way. Frustrating. Please bear with me. :) XOXOXO 10-4 over and out.

The Juice of the Forbidden Fruit……

G’afternoon Kids & Porn Stars…. I am SO glad it’s Friday and for all intensive purposes, it is the weekend. Things seem to be coming together for me, finally. I am SO broke and Christmas this year is really going to be hard on my wallet, I have a feeling things will start looking up for me after the New Year. I found a p/t job – at one of my local hangouts. I guess it’s good to know the owner of the pub, I didn’t even have to interview for the position. All I had to do was say I was interested. I start training on Saturday. My stockbroker was very helpful, now I just need to talk to the brother, Briberry – swallow my pride and be nice to him. (God I hate him, lol. Well, hate is a strong word. I really, really, really don’t like him, lol.) So, once all that is done, I will hopefully be settled with money and I can concentrate on finding a place to live :) – if I choose to leave my free living space – AKA Mama Dukes place. I was also accepted into the Graduate Program at the school of my choice. I am supposed to meet with the program director next week for advisement. I can’t wait. Of course, no one seems to be on board with this idea or career path and it’s really starting to frustrate me. So I won’t become a millionaire – who is? I need to keep reminding myself that I am doing this for me and not for anyone else. I certainly won’t become a millionaire if I stay working where I am – these 3% yearly raises don’t do much as they really can’t even be considered a cost of living increase. Argh.

Wednesday afternoon DB called and took me to lunch. We had a nice time – just happy to see one another, which is how it always seems with us….. Not being able to get enough of one another. Then he sprung on me that he had band practice until 10PM. Normally I don’t mind that we do things on our own – it makes our time together that much more special. However, we don’t get a whole lot of time together as it is. With his time constraints and our differing work schedules, it’s hard to mesh. We’ve been making it work though. I always give him a debriefing of my schedule for the day and week – as much as I can. I guess when he just threw it out there as if it was no big deal that he had band practice, I got a little annoyed. I was wondering why I was just first hearing about it? I look so forward to his nights off – and he knows this. A little background… the night before he was also off from work. He originally had band practice also, but it was canceled. So we wound up spending a nice night together <3. I didn’t know there was a practice, but I was pleasantly surprised that it was canceled and we spent the whole night enjoying one another. I just couldn’t figure out why he never said, “Hey baby, I have band practice again tomorrow night.” Not to mention he was also feeling a little under the weather and in my mind, 3 hours of practice in a stuffy basement wasn’t going to help him feel better…. I assumed he wouldn’t come over. So we got into it a little bit – even though I DID NOT want to fight. He went on to say he could start treating me as “B” did. OK, didn’t need to go there, but whatever. I said that if he didn’t come over that night (because he was “teaching” me a lesson) that it would be over with us – I don’t play games. By the time he dropped me off, things seemed better. Night came and he came by around 10:30. I passed out as soon as he arrived. I slept the whole time he was over. In my defense, you all know I am sick and when I get tired, I need to rest my weary eyes. There was no waking me. This was not intentional, it just happened. I felt terrible and I felt like I missed a whole day with him. The next morning I sent an e-mail apologizing. :( He responds to my apology saying he might not come by that night and it might quite possibly be because he’s “teaching” me a lesson for giving him such sh*t about coming over and then falling asleep. WTF? Excuse me?

Anyway, last night was a good time (Thursday). I was so exhausted and all I could think about was getting home, getting into my jammies, watching a little 90210 and passing out. The Bunny and I decided to skip the gym as we were both in the same state of exhaustion. She called as I was driving home and we got to talking…. “Let’s go out,” she says. All of a sudden I have a second wind. She comes to pick me up and we’re off to Chili’s near my old apartment :( to meet up with Kippy and his friends. I will mention that the night I went out with DB, I fell off the wagon. Not hard, only a few scrapes, LOL. (SHUT UP RyRy!) So I decided to have one glass of wine at Chili’s. One glass usually gives me a good buzz – and it did! We chatted for a bit, I played pimp, and The Bunny, Kippy and I made plans for Christmas Eve. Awe……. Kippy & Co, headed out and then The Bunny and I needed to get some things done. We had our weekly therapy session in the car driving around Rockland. Found out some interesting news. Drank the juice from the Forbidden Fruit. Equated ourselves to the Bobbsey Twins. Took some pictures of a parking spot (I got a friggin parking ticket the night before – F’n cops!) Then, before we knew it, we both needed to pee – ASAP. So we stopped at a Dunkin Donuts and DB called. He “doesn’t know” when he’s going to see me again. He decided he was going to play “B.” So, I decided that I would play Bethany with “B” and tell him if this was the case that I would heading to the nearest bar, getting drunk, and making out with whomever I choose. I really wasn’t going to, but still, how old are we that we are playing games like this? All because I opted to speak my feelings? Is he kidding me with this? I don’t and try not to compare him to “B,” but more and more the last few days I am thinking about things. Then, of course, yesterday I came across an old e-mail from “B” that nearly brought me to tears. I didn’t remember they had archived with my personal folders at work. I’m wondering if maybe the non-closure with “B” is making him creep into my thoughts. Not to mention I have had TWO dreams this week about Harrison. WTF is that about?? Then I remind myself that Doogie is coming home soon and I can’t wait to see him and party with him. I keep hoping it’s like old times and I will have my Doogster back – helmet and all. Is it possible these three PAST encounters are coming up because DB and I are getting that much closer and I’m getting scared? Or maybe I feel the same issues I had with them creeping up on him and I? I’m confused and scared. It’s not even paranoia anymore. It’s more a fear of things not working out after all the effort I’ve put into it. I can’t take the baby games though…. I spent 3 years with someone who couldn’t communicate and when I tried to communicate I would get, “You’re not allowed to fight with me,” and the conversation would be over. I can’t go through that again. I can honestly say that it hasn’t come to that with DB, things are definitely nowhere near as bad as they were with “B,” but if I can’t speak my mind now, when can I? It could also be how I make things come across verbally; I could work on that…. I am not changing who I am to fit the mold though. I am a “take me as I am” kind of gal. Love it or leave. When he did call last night, I could detect in his voice that he was no too happy I was out. He asked where I was and what we were doing. I mentioned we had to make some stops. How did he respond? “Why don’t you two grow up already?” Excuse me? How did he get from what I said that we were doing something immature and not acting our age? Yes, The Bunny and I have gotten into some trouble in the past, but now we are harmless, older, and wiser. We weren’t drunk – we want no part of any kind of trouble – we were simply dropping off some things and taking care of business with Hot Rod. This makes me immature? F that. I’m really starting to resent the judgmental attitude. Even Mama Dukes sees a change in The Bunny. She actually called me at work yesterday to ask how The Bunny was. Of all the people in my life, my mom was the only person to really see the toll The Bunny had on me…. And even she is accepting of The Bunny being here to stay and she sees a difference in her. Do we get a little silly with one another? Sure. Who doesn’t get a little silly when they are with one of their best girl friends? Is it different from Kel-Kel silly and KTU silly and Cowgirl silly? Yes. But even those 3 are different from one another. There are different inside jokes. There are different time frames of life. Things are just different. It is what it is and The Bunny is here to stay – take it or leave it. I think I’ve ranted enough on this topic.

New topic. Weight Watchers. Why do the member who attend my meeting think it’s like AA? It’s not a true confessions session. NO ONE CARES THAT YOU ATE A GALLON OF HAAGEN DAAZ. I only care if I eat a gallon of it. I am there to learn new tricks to eat healthier, to exercise more, and to gain support in the battle of the bulge. Not listen to you wine about how you kept measuring it and eating it even though it give you diarrhea. (I sh*t you not – no pun intended – this came up in the last meeting.) And the woman confessing didn’t even tell us about the loose stools – the friend she came with did. Freaks.

Anyway, I’ve been caught twice now, so I guess I should get some work done ASAP. 10-4 over and out. Please excuse the babbling – my predictions? By tonight things will be fine with DB.

What's a Cockle?

G'afternoon Kids & Porn Stars.... It's been exactly 15 days since I last posted and I have NO idea where the time went. Let me try to recap, but since I am ANOTHER YEAR OLDER (UGH!) the memory has slightly gone, LOL.

Let me start out with my birthday recap.... Hmmm, where to begin. On 11/17, the day before, everyone at work celebrated with me with goodies, gifts, decorations and lunch. I <3 my birthday. (This is where the memory is no good - I can't remember what I did Friday night). I think The Bunny and I chilled & drove around. I do remember she came to my place and Mama Dukes FLIPPED OUT. Basically threw her out. I think we then headed over to Kippy's (PPPE) for some drinks and fun. However, DB called shortly after I got there and I went to visit with him. :)

On my actual birthday - 11/18 - I woke up to a very cranky and VERY bitchy Mama Dukes. She was still being bitchy about The Bunny having been at the house. I opened my gift alone in my room and went back to sleep. Everything I had planned for the day was put on the back burner and I rested. :) Which is my favorite way to spend a day, LOL. At night, *almost* all of my friends made it out for my big 2-9 celebration. Everyone arrived on time and we raced down to Mt. Fuji for some yummy birthday treats. I wasn’t able to sit as close to everyone as I had originally hoped and we had to wait 1 ½ hours to get seated (even with a friggin reservation!), but I was determined not to have my evening ruined. We all ate, everyone was getting along famously, and there were smiles and laughs all around. DB was looking quite handsome and I couldn’t wait to be alone with him. :) My friends gave me some awesome gifts ranging from 90210 season one on DVD, to massage gift certificates, to a beautiful reddish sweater, to perfume, to jewelry, to gorilla slippers. I couldn’t ask for sweeter friends. :) After dinner finished up, most of the group needed to head home, so Kippy, Bunny, DB, Kel-Kel, RyRy, Midge, Ray and I headed over to Ireland’s to continue the celebration. Drinking ensued and everyone except Bunny, Kippy and DB faded out. We played darts and enjoyed our night. DB and I had a small tiff, but by the time we headed home, I was over it. Until, of course, JT came on the radio (OK, I own his newest CD). DB got mad and drama ensued. It was an awful fight and a terrible time to have it, but looking back, it brought us that much closer. We haven’t fought since ;)

Sunday was spent relaxing and DB came by later on in the evening and we talked for hours.

I was off from work the week of Thanksgiving. And I needed the break from work. I got to see Cowgirl for lunch, DB for lunch, and I got some errands done that I needed to get done. I gave up drinking until New Year’s, so it was a dry week….

Thursday, Mama Dukes got her crazy eyes on, so I wound up calling The Bunny to come spend Turkey Day with her and Kippy. So, I picked up Kippy, we headed to Rockland Bakery (and skipped the whole line!) to pick up some treats and arrived by 1. We sat around with Sissy and played with The Bunny’s cousins. Dinner was TERRIFIC and I got to see Grandma Durkin (she’s like my Grandma now). All in all a nice evening. We headed to Kippy’s after where we played board games and watched some movies. DB called and I went to meet him at work for a little while.

Friday night RyRy and Kel-Kel took The Bunny and I to dinner at a little Italian place near their house. It was nice to introduce my friends to one another as they are all very important people in my life and I just like spending time with all of them.

Last week flew by in a flash. Being back at work sucked. I can’t even remember what I did. All I know is that DB and I are stronger than ever…. And I couldn’t be happier.

If I could remember more, I would blog more… This weekend was pretty much a wash as I have been sick for a while. I can’t seem to shake this cold. I can say this about this past weekend. Some revelations were revealed and I hold the record for the only person to pass the Outback Steakhouse employment test (Friggin SAT!) buzzed. LOL.

So I am off to bed now (again) with promises to keep you all up to date on the goings on in my life. 10-4 over and out.