Annoyed.....

G'morning Kids & Porn Stars....

It's Wing Night tonight. Woo-hoo.

I’m annoyed for several reasons:
1) I was working last night (and it was actually a little busy!) and I missed my Stalkers phone call. I love the heavy breathing, keep it up! :)
2) I’m not sleeping well. I don’t know why, but I’m not.
3) Working two jobs. It’s well worth the money, but it’s flying out of my hands as soon as I make it, it seems.
4) I am once again forced into drama. The Bunny’s “ex” of (seriously) about 3 weeks – Private Pyle – is upset that she has dumped him. For some reason or another, he’s gotten it into his head that it’s because of me because I am “miserable in my relationship with DB and jealous of their happiness.” Happiness? You NEVER saw each other. She was happier spooning with me! LOL. He then decided to call me a c**t the other night. Whether she used me as an excuse or not (I wouldn’t care – just tell me – so I don’t feel as though I’ve been thrown under a bus), I don’t know. At first, I was pissed about him using the C word against me. Then I looked at the source and realized, “Why should I care, he really is a pathetic loser?” However, now I feel as though it’s becoming an “issue” between The Bunny and myself and now there is a lot of crap floating around the firehouse about her and I. DB is pissed that I am being dragged into the middle and blaming it all on her (making the situation between the two of them worse…) And then there is the past between The Bunny and I that is always in the back of my mind…. That fear that she is always looking for a better friendship than what we have, how she always seems so eager to believe the crap people talk about me, and how she is usually very quick to choose another friendship over the one her and I have. I have so many other things to be stressing about – I shouldn’t have to stress over friendships and relationships. I really feel as though I shouldn’t ever have to worry about whether or not my friend is going to “break up” with me. And even though I’ve survived it before and she assures me that we will always be friends now, paranoia creeps in. Doogie told me the other night, “Don’t stress it. Drop ‘em all.” LOL. He makes it seem so easy. LOL. ;) Too bad I actually have feelings and care about my relationship with DB and friendship with The Bunny, LOL.
5) The confusion I have right now in my head about a certain situation. The mixed signals are driving me nuts!
6) The fact that I am tired ALL the time and I think it’s all the hours I am putting into work. I actually feel too exhausted to do anything on my days off (i.e. – go to the gym).
7) The fact that I feel trapped in my current job. I feel like I’m one of those girls in the movie The Silence of the Lambs and I am trying to claw my way out of the well of death. “Put the f***ing lotion in the basket!”
8) My jaw hurts. I seriously need to get back to the Dr. – now I have a list of “ailments.”

I am SURE there is plenty more to be annoyed with. I’m also sure that everyone else has his or her annoyances in life. I just needed to vent a little bit. On a lighter note, Doogie and I went to the movies on Sunday night and I finally saw The Departed. Holy crap that was a GOOD friggin movie!!! The company wasn’t too shabby either :) I had a good time, Doogs!

This weekend is a little crazy, or so it seems. I thought I would have plans Friday night, but they fell through. Saturday night I am hoping to do dinner with DB. However I will, of course, not know until last minute. Sunday is DP’s super bowl party (I’ve got some dinero riding on this game!), but Mama Dukes needs me to take a road trip with her to Boston, so I may need to bail on the party :(.

I’m off now – need to meet my numbers before months end (T-Minus 5 hours). I need to be out of here at 5 on the dot since I have to work Wing Night tonight. Fabulous. 10-4 over and out.

Happy 3-0, Midge!!!

G'afternoon Kids & Porn Stars... OK, OK, so I am a day late and a dollar short, but I needed to publicly wish my Midge a very Happy Birthday. We are celebrating the BIG 3-0 in style tonight and I can't wait to see her. :) Although, I'm a little mad she didn't give ANY hints as to birthday gifts! :) But, I think I will come through for her, LOL.

This weekend is jammed packed with events. Tonight is Midge's get together, then off for some drinkies. I promised DB I'd come by and watch him play for a bit in the 'Burg. Tomorrow night he's playing over by The Bunny's house and I am supposed to chill with Doogie. Also tomorrow is Mama Dukes best friends ("G") birthday, so we are taking her for some eats. I think I may need to work from home for a bit tomorrow as well. I need to make up some time since I took a sick day yesterday - oops! :)

On a funny note, I have a prank calling heavy breather. Whoever it is, insists on calling me from a restricted # between the hours of 6-8. It's usually about 3-4 times a night and it's quite amusing. Keep calling! LOL :P.

Back to work - Seacrest, OUT! 10-4 over and.......

"Annual" Exam.... Argh

G'morning Kids & Porn Stars.... I hate being a woman for two reasons and two reasons only:
Getting my period
Getting my "annual exam."

I've had the same "girly" doctor since I was 18, but have since decided to switch since he is getting pretty old (he delivered me 29 years ago), he's located pretty far (down in Western NJ), and he has very odd hours. It has been a NIGHTMARE trying to find a new doctor - preferably a female doctor because I don't want some old geezer or some young hottie poking around in there with long, cold, sterile tools. I tried this place by my house, I waited 3 months for an appointment! Day of, I could not go (female reasons, LOL). They never answered their phone that day when I cancelled (It took me a week to book the actual appointment since they don't answer....) and they never responded to my voicemail messages to reschedule my appointment. This didn't fair well with me. So I started on the hunt for another new doctor. I'm a little sketchy to use Maggie's Dr., I was told that The Bunny's Dr. is VERY hard to get an appointment with, so Kel-Kel came through with a new place close to my house. So now I am all set for an appointment in APRIL. Who knew it would take this long and be this hard to make an appointment that literally lasts 5-10 minutes? Ridiculous! LOL.

End of rant. 10-4 over and out.

I'm a Dude, With Tits?

G'afternoon Kids & Porn Stars.... Happy Tuesday (and happy beginning of the rough part of my work week). I now have a semi "set" schedule at 32 (fabulous). I am Tues. Night, Wed. Night (after WW for Wing Night - woot!) and Thurs. night. I go there right from my F/T job. It's been tough, but I am getting into the swing of it. I am getting some $ in the bank, I'm able to help out Mama Dukes a little more, and I don't cringe when I need to buy something.

So many things have gone on the past few weeks... First and foremost, Doogie is back! I was pleasantly surprised two weeks ago on my first Wing Night when he stepped in to visit. It was an awesome surprise :)

The Bunny's cousin-in-law (is that real? lol) passed away. So last week we had the wake and funeral. It was 3 sad days, but I did my best to help her through it. In true Irish style after the funeral, we celebrated her life rather than mourned her passing. So there was a HUGE drinkfest at the firehouse, tons of food, and a whole lotta Durkins. LOL. By the end of the day, I had become a surrogate daughter to The Bunny's parents and all her aunts and uncles and Grandma are all mine as well. LOL.

Other than working, hanging with The Bunny, hanging with DB, working at 32, trying to make time for other friends, Mama Dukes, and the pooches not much else is going on. I'm always busy, but my life seems rather boring right now, LOL.

I'll keep you all posted if anything good happens. Here is what I am looking forward to:
- Midge turning the big 3-0 this week and us partying on Friday night (Woo-hoo!)
- Getting The Bunny turned on to men in uniform (and this new guy working out).
- My trip to AZ to see Car & Winkie with Kel-Kel, Bunches, and The Bunny.
- Finding a school to accept me and going back..... (Fingers crossed!)
- Spending some time catching up with Doogals
- Meeting Sydney :) (Hint, hint)
- Valentine's Day with DB ;)
- Working St. Patty's Day and making TONS OF MONEY!!!

I am sure I am looking forward to more, but the e-mails are ROLLING in and I need to get some work done before I leave right at 5 on the dot. :) 10-4 over and out.

It's Finally Mine.......

I LOVE gagdets! Eat it, kids! LOL. :) I love being spoiled by Mama Dukes!!!

I Know I've Been MIA.......

This second job may kill me.

I'm so tired and my F/T job is crazy busy too. Then I try to see DB as much as we can. Sorry Kids - I miss everyone! Hopefully things will get back to normal soon. I'm sssooo going to get mono again. LOL.

xoxoxoxoxo,
Bethany

Happy New Year....

G'morning Kids & Porn Stars.... Happy Tuesday, Happy New Year, Happy Four Day work week :). Things in my life.... Have changed. And it's only the 2nd. Where to begin?

Let me flashback to last week (if I leave things out, I’m sorry – my brain isn’t what it was 3 weeks ago):

Sunday – Christmas Eve. Drugged myself pretty good and then went to 32 with Kippy to visit The Bunny. Lee (the manager) is going through the same thing as me and hugged me several times and talked me through it. I wanted to get wasted, but something in my heart told me not to turn to that. It wasn’t right. We had planned on going to look at Christmas lights, but wound up staying at 32 the entire night. Earlier on, I asked The Bunny to stay the night with me. I couldn’t bear waking up alone :( She agreed. We all exchanged gifts and I got some rockin’ good gifts from my buddies. Kippy was acting kind of quiet and not acting like himself, so we kind of felt put out. We tried and tried to get him to smile and have a good time, but to no avail. The Bunny refused to let it ruin her night though and kept the party going. Maybe a little too much, lol. ;) Into the wee hours (actually, it was like 11:30), we took Kippy home and then went back to my house. The Bunny was hammered. It was funny and fun to watch, until Hot Rod upset it her and then the rest of the night was ruined because they kept fighting with one another. I finally passed out and woke up the next morning to a snoring Bunny. LOL.

Monday – Christmas was weird. It was just myself and Mama Dukes (after The Bunny left) this year and neither of us really had “the spirit.” We exchanged gifts and Mama Dukes rocked out with her gift giving this year. I don’t know if it was guilt, or what, but she kicked arse with her gifties to me. Weird, but I think this break up with DB brought us closer together. <3 We had some Turkey din-din, visited her BFF, and then went home and passed out. I had to be back to work on Tuesday AM (argh!)

Tuesday - The meds my doctor prescribed to help me “get over the hump” of my break up with DB helped, but they only kept me from crying. I was still “feeling” and I wanted that to stop. ASAP. I called out to the p/t job (32) because I had some kind of Bronchitis type of cold/flu/cough. I felt like I was dying. Then my Kel-Kel called and wanted to get me out of the house. (I love how everyone rallied to support me in my time of need. It was really awesome. I felt so alone and they made that feeling disappear. Thanks again everyone….) Kel-Kel took me out for “break up / comfort food.” AKA mozzarella sticks. We drove around and talked. She let me cry it out. We looked at the Elvis Christmas lights in NJ. It felt good to get it all out and hear her feedback. I was actually starting to feel better. After she dropped me off, I went inside and talked to Mama Dukes and then checked my e-mail. And there it was. And e-mail from DB. My heart pounded and I started to shake and sweat. I had been dying to hear from him for what seemed like and eternity and now here it was – the dreaded e-mail…. 1 day after Christmas. I wanted to read it so badly, but part of me didn’t. I clicked on it and it wasn’t pretty. I broke down and reverted back to the morning of the break up. It felt like I had been punched in the gut. I was hysterical and a HUGE mess. I called him and told him he could come and get his things, but I needed to know why. I needed closure. I called Kel-Kel who offered to drive back to my house (too sweet). I called The Bunny who was already on her way to Suffern. She stopped by my place first. I cried and sniffled and cried. I finally took a Valium and went to sleep. 11:30PM comes – I am passed out – and he calls. I checked my phone every second of every day when he wasn’t calling. And now there was his ring. My heart actually stopped. Mama Dukes ran to my room, “is it him??” I nodded yes. I answered. She closed my door and he and I talked for over and hour. Turns out, he was driving to my house and was outside for a small time. He wanted his things back. Then he wanted to come in to talk more. When he came in, I could see the love back in his eyes. He missed me. He saw what a mess I had become. We talked. We hugged. I cried. We talked about the possibility of getting back together. He left late and I fell fast asleep and finally slept well.

After than, we talked and e-mailed. I was so sick, I wound up leaving work early on Thursday and coming home sick on Friday. The Bunny filled in for me at 32 on Thursday night, I felt like I was dying.

Friday - DB stopped by Friday afternoon and we talked some more and got everything out in the open. It felt good to talk to him and even better to see him. I missed him so much. The break up really opened my eyes to what I want and don’t want and to how I really felt about “B.” The Bunny was coming over after work, so I told him to come by after his gig if he wanted to. When she arrived, we chilled and talked. I felt good again….. Whole if you will. We decided to head over to his gig (even though I was dying). It turned out to be a really great night. We headed out to Rhodes at 10-ish and DB was looking hot as he was playing. I made nice with his buddy FB. The Bunny got a little tipsy and made nice with a few people, LOL. She wound up meeting a REALLY nice guy – Gigs. The night went slow and fast all at once. It felt good to watch DB play and to feel at ease with him. Around 2:30, DB and I headed back to my house and I felt safe knowing that The Bunny was getting a ride home from either Gigs or Durkin. DB and I talked and really finally realized that we don’t want to live without one another. The Bunny came home at 8AM and woke me. We talked for a bit and she told me all about Gigs, then we passed back out.

Saturday – Cowgirl called in the AM. I hit the ignore button on the cell (sorry girl, but it was a friggin late night). Then she called the house. Then the cell again – I knew something was up because she would have just left a VM. She had a flat tire and needed my help with Triple AAA. So I got The Bunny out of bed and we headed down to NJ to help her out. A few hours later, we were finally getting some breakfast into our bellies and then ran all our errands. By the time we got back to my place, we wanted nothing to do with going anywhere. We showered (separately Animals) and went back to bed to watch movies. DB stopped by before work and then The Bunny and I were off to dream land.

Sunday – Woke up early and then we went back to sleep. LOL. We knew we had to get some errands done though. I died The Bunny’s hair (it looks healthier, shinier, but kind of the same color. LOL). We shopped for the evening shin-dig. We still didn’t have a final count. Both of us knew in our guts that the night would bring drama, we just weren’t sure how much. DB stopped by briefly and Mama Dukes headed out to her work party as we prepared for the night. A few minutes to 9, Kippy showed up. Already there was tension in the air. Shortly after, Gigs showed up. We all started drinking and playing some different board games I had. Things were going smoothly besides the tension. Tempers flared shortly after the ball dropped and Gigs and Kippy got into it. The Bunny fessed up to dating Gigs and Kippy was heartbroken. Mama Dukes came home and said it was time for the party to be over, so Kippy headed home. DB showed up and we all wound up talking in the kitchen. Mama Dukes and DB made their peace and so did The Bunny and DB. It was all a lot of drama for Gigs to handle for a first night out, but he handled it well.

The New Year has brought about a lot of good changes. And it has a promise of good things to come. I feel good, I'm happy, I'm in love, Doogie is home, Maggie Sue had a baby, The Bunny is back in my life, Cowgirl and I are closer than ever, Kel-Kel is once again like a sister.... Things feel good. I wish everyone a great New Year and all the joys and promises 2007 should bring. Bethany is back.... 10-4 over and out.

A Thank You......

To Kel-Kel who did everything in her power last night to make me smile and laugh. And who's endless hugs will never be forgotten or taken for granted.

To Bunny who got me out of the house practically every night last week and talked to me over endless hours about the same things. Who, even in her deadest, tiredness, could still drive to Suffern to lay on my bed and let me cry.

To Cowgirl who lent me her ear over and over while I was at work and having emotional breakdowns on the phone. Her hugs couldn't be physically felt, but I knew they were there. Your tireless e-mails helped more than you'll know....

To Kippy who made sure to message me every morning that each day would get better.

To Lee who promised an ear any time I needed it and who has become a very good friend in a short period of time.

To RyRy for making me laugh, making fun of me, playing a little Stephen Lynch for me and lending me your wife when I needed her.

To Flirt for putting in his two cents in and giving me "the guys side." You said things I needed to hear, so thank you.

To DC who gave me countless hugs at work and would take walks with me to get some air. Your fastly becoming a cherished friend.

To Maggie Sue who sent her kind words through Kel-Kel even though she has her own sh*t going on with just having given birth! :)

Please forgive me if I've inadvertently left anyone off, it was not my intention and my short term memory blows right now.

Who the Hell Do I Know in Asbury Park, NJ??

G'afternoon Kids & Porn Stars.... Although I said I was checking out for a while, I find that this might be a helpful outlet for me. Because, right now, there seems like there is no help for me. I am absolutely the most miserable person to be around. I can't even stand to be around me.

I won't get into specifics about the DB break up. All I will tell you is that I have never been this hurt and miserable. I almost feel crazy. I cry at the drop of a hat. It's all I can talk about - people don't know what to say to me. All I know is that I can now honestly say that I know what love is. I realized that I loved "B," but I am not 100% sure I was in love with him. I NEVER felt like this when we broke up (all 3 times).

I am going to my doctor today... I can't stand this perpetual lump in my throat, this weight on my shoulders, my thoughts always circling back to him. Apparently, he is going to give something to me to help ease the pain. It's amazing how someone can get into your mind so badly. And now I start rethinking everything that was said to me. I start remembering he is a cop and to me, all cops are pigs (Sorry Julio). I just want to know, when does it get better? When does it get easier? I ran into him Wed. His Chiro is by my job and I saw him and pulled over. We talked - he was mean - he said he's e-mail me and left. I haven't gotten anything from him yet. He told me I don't keep my word - that I broke his trust. So his word means nothing?

Then last night, The Bunny and I ran around to finish up X-mas shopping. We went to the Mill for some dinner (I finally got a normal portion down). Who's there? "B." And no, I am not kidding. The rest of the crowd was, of course, all police men. Fabulous. We made plans to hang with some of them later on tonight (after midnight), but we'll see where the night takes us. I am supposed to visit Kel-Kel and hear her words of wisdom. For now, I'm off to the Dr. and hopefully he can help... Because of the love in the world from my awesome friends doesn't seem to be helping right now.... 10-4 over and out.

Someone from Asbury Park, NJ has been checking out my site a lot. WHo the heck are ya? :)

I Won't Be Updating for a While.....

DB broke up with me Monday AM and I have not been the same person since.

I need time to be alone and be by myself.

I'm miserable, sad, lonely, and depressed.

I've lost the love of my life because I made stupid mistakes. Stupid mistakes I probably wouldn't have made had I not been drinking. All things I need to take a look at myself and figure out why.

I'm checking out for a while.... If you know me, you know how to get in touch.

10-4 over and out.

Clarification.....

G'morning Kids & Porn Stars. This post is being made to clarify some things - just so you know.

My blog is a journal. It's where I go to rant and rave and get things off my chest before they boil into big, explosive, dramatic situations. It's a place where I can come to bounce my "issues" off my readers and friends. So Doogie can say, "Bethany, you're being an ass. Knock it off." Where Kel-Kel can say, "I'll be right over to give you a big Kel-Kel hug." Where KTU can say, "F that a-hole, they are trash." I don't judge people - never have. I don't surround myself with people who would (or I try not to). I expect my friends to form their own opinions on things. I don't expect anyone to read my blog here and assume that The Bunny is evil, that Mama Dukes is a b*tch or the DB is awful to me. Yes, things happen and I write about them here, but this is not me bashing anyone. This is just random sh*t that goes on in my head that I would write into a journal. I know that there are generational gaps - "B" and Harrison had HUGE problems with me having a blog, but among the people who are my age, I don't know many who DON'T have a blog. Even Kippy started one!

So now that I've clarified what the point of this "space" is, I want to apologize. I'm sorry if anyone got the idea that DB was a horrible person. He's really not - I wouldn't love him as much as I do if he was. None of you (my readers and friends) have made any comments about him, I just felt the need to clarify. He means the world to me and the last thing I want to do is hurt him with a "blog." 10-4 over and out.

Sexually Harassed.... At Home Depot?

G'morning Kids & Porn Stars.... Happy Tuesday. Let me recap the weekend so you can understand why I was harassed at a Home Depot last night (there's always a story, lol).

Friday night The Bunny came to pick me up and we headed over to the mall to see The Holiday. GREAT chick flick. I loved it.

Saturday - headed over to the part time job for my 10AM shift :(. It was a long and tiring day and I only made $35 in tips, but they paid me for my time which rocked. So overall for the day I did well. DB came over later that night and it was nice to see him after not seeing him for almost 2 days.

Sunday when I woke up I felt like I was 90 years old. It's been a while since I waitressed and I need to get used to it all over again, lol. I planned on getting the rest of my stuff out of storage and I had a big crew recruited to help :). Kel-Kel, Kippy, The Bunny, and Bunny's Papa Dukes all came out - with trucks! The whole process didn't take long, but it was a sweaty ordeal. by 6:30 I had my bed set up and we were all done. After that, Mama Dukes took me to dinner for some eats and then DB came by later on that night. As we were laying there watching t.v., BANG! My bed fell apart. LOL. DB got it back together for me and we thought all was well. He left shortly after for work and I passed out. 4AM comes around and - BANG! - my bed falls apart again! Argh! The wood frame has wooden slats on the bottom to hold the matress and box spring up and one piece is warped... So it keeps falling apart. :(

So last night, The Bunny came to pick me up and we went to the 'Mill and got some eats and chatted it up with the bartender about the Kramer situation, lol, and giving birth. That was enough to make me stop eating, so we then headed over to The Home Depot to get new wooden slats. We walked around looking for "wood" and finally came across the Lumber department. This guy called over to the Lumber guy, "Hey Jay, I'm sending over two BEAUTIFUL customers for you to help." The guy cut two pieces for me and we went back to the first guy to pay. As we were standing there, a mentally challenged cart pusher came up behind us and the cashier yells to him to "stop looking at" our "hot asses." Ummmmmm, OK, he's retarded. The cart guy gets all embarrassed and blushes and then yells at the cashier. "I I I I wasssssn't looking at their bbbbbutts. Stttttop saying that." Poor thing. The cashier continued to make comments as we walked out, but seriously, who does that?? LOL. We got back to my place and fixed my bed and then The Bunny was oof. DB came over later and we watched t.v. in my comfy bed. It was a nice night with him although he *tried* to start a fight with me, lol.

Tonight it's off to work after work. Fun-fun. DB will be there with a bunch of his co-workers for a squad party, so at least I will get to see him... I'm off to get some work done here. They had major layoffs at our sister company yesterday, so I need to keep myself in check so I'm not next :( 10-4 over and out.

I'm Trying the New Blogger Perks

And I think I am F***ing up my blog. LOL. Their new way is very time consuming and kind of a pain in the arse. LOL. But since I already updated my template, I have to use their way. Frustrating. Please bear with me. :) XOXOXO 10-4 over and out.

The Juice of the Forbidden Fruit……

G’afternoon Kids & Porn Stars…. I am SO glad it’s Friday and for all intensive purposes, it is the weekend. Things seem to be coming together for me, finally. I am SO broke and Christmas this year is really going to be hard on my wallet, I have a feeling things will start looking up for me after the New Year. I found a p/t job – at one of my local hangouts. I guess it’s good to know the owner of the pub, I didn’t even have to interview for the position. All I had to do was say I was interested. I start training on Saturday. My stockbroker was very helpful, now I just need to talk to the brother, Briberry – swallow my pride and be nice to him. (God I hate him, lol. Well, hate is a strong word. I really, really, really don’t like him, lol.) So, once all that is done, I will hopefully be settled with money and I can concentrate on finding a place to live :) – if I choose to leave my free living space – AKA Mama Dukes place. I was also accepted into the Graduate Program at the school of my choice. I am supposed to meet with the program director next week for advisement. I can’t wait. Of course, no one seems to be on board with this idea or career path and it’s really starting to frustrate me. So I won’t become a millionaire – who is? I need to keep reminding myself that I am doing this for me and not for anyone else. I certainly won’t become a millionaire if I stay working where I am – these 3% yearly raises don’t do much as they really can’t even be considered a cost of living increase. Argh.

Wednesday afternoon DB called and took me to lunch. We had a nice time – just happy to see one another, which is how it always seems with us….. Not being able to get enough of one another. Then he sprung on me that he had band practice until 10PM. Normally I don’t mind that we do things on our own – it makes our time together that much more special. However, we don’t get a whole lot of time together as it is. With his time constraints and our differing work schedules, it’s hard to mesh. We’ve been making it work though. I always give him a debriefing of my schedule for the day and week – as much as I can. I guess when he just threw it out there as if it was no big deal that he had band practice, I got a little annoyed. I was wondering why I was just first hearing about it? I look so forward to his nights off – and he knows this. A little background… the night before he was also off from work. He originally had band practice also, but it was canceled. So we wound up spending a nice night together <3. I didn’t know there was a practice, but I was pleasantly surprised that it was canceled and we spent the whole night enjoying one another. I just couldn’t figure out why he never said, “Hey baby, I have band practice again tomorrow night.” Not to mention he was also feeling a little under the weather and in my mind, 3 hours of practice in a stuffy basement wasn’t going to help him feel better…. I assumed he wouldn’t come over. So we got into it a little bit – even though I DID NOT want to fight. He went on to say he could start treating me as “B” did. OK, didn’t need to go there, but whatever. I said that if he didn’t come over that night (because he was “teaching” me a lesson) that it would be over with us – I don’t play games. By the time he dropped me off, things seemed better. Night came and he came by around 10:30. I passed out as soon as he arrived. I slept the whole time he was over. In my defense, you all know I am sick and when I get tired, I need to rest my weary eyes. There was no waking me. This was not intentional, it just happened. I felt terrible and I felt like I missed a whole day with him. The next morning I sent an e-mail apologizing. :( He responds to my apology saying he might not come by that night and it might quite possibly be because he’s “teaching” me a lesson for giving him such sh*t about coming over and then falling asleep. WTF? Excuse me?

Anyway, last night was a good time (Thursday). I was so exhausted and all I could think about was getting home, getting into my jammies, watching a little 90210 and passing out. The Bunny and I decided to skip the gym as we were both in the same state of exhaustion. She called as I was driving home and we got to talking…. “Let’s go out,” she says. All of a sudden I have a second wind. She comes to pick me up and we’re off to Chili’s near my old apartment :( to meet up with Kippy and his friends. I will mention that the night I went out with DB, I fell off the wagon. Not hard, only a few scrapes, LOL. (SHUT UP RyRy!) So I decided to have one glass of wine at Chili’s. One glass usually gives me a good buzz – and it did! We chatted for a bit, I played pimp, and The Bunny, Kippy and I made plans for Christmas Eve. Awe……. Kippy & Co, headed out and then The Bunny and I needed to get some things done. We had our weekly therapy session in the car driving around Rockland. Found out some interesting news. Drank the juice from the Forbidden Fruit. Equated ourselves to the Bobbsey Twins. Took some pictures of a parking spot (I got a friggin parking ticket the night before – F’n cops!) Then, before we knew it, we both needed to pee – ASAP. So we stopped at a Dunkin Donuts and DB called. He “doesn’t know” when he’s going to see me again. He decided he was going to play “B.” So, I decided that I would play Bethany with “B” and tell him if this was the case that I would heading to the nearest bar, getting drunk, and making out with whomever I choose. I really wasn’t going to, but still, how old are we that we are playing games like this? All because I opted to speak my feelings? Is he kidding me with this? I don’t and try not to compare him to “B,” but more and more the last few days I am thinking about things. Then, of course, yesterday I came across an old e-mail from “B” that nearly brought me to tears. I didn’t remember they had archived with my personal folders at work. I’m wondering if maybe the non-closure with “B” is making him creep into my thoughts. Not to mention I have had TWO dreams this week about Harrison. WTF is that about?? Then I remind myself that Doogie is coming home soon and I can’t wait to see him and party with him. I keep hoping it’s like old times and I will have my Doogster back – helmet and all. Is it possible these three PAST encounters are coming up because DB and I are getting that much closer and I’m getting scared? Or maybe I feel the same issues I had with them creeping up on him and I? I’m confused and scared. It’s not even paranoia anymore. It’s more a fear of things not working out after all the effort I’ve put into it. I can’t take the baby games though…. I spent 3 years with someone who couldn’t communicate and when I tried to communicate I would get, “You’re not allowed to fight with me,” and the conversation would be over. I can’t go through that again. I can honestly say that it hasn’t come to that with DB, things are definitely nowhere near as bad as they were with “B,” but if I can’t speak my mind now, when can I? It could also be how I make things come across verbally; I could work on that…. I am not changing who I am to fit the mold though. I am a “take me as I am” kind of gal. Love it or leave. When he did call last night, I could detect in his voice that he was no too happy I was out. He asked where I was and what we were doing. I mentioned we had to make some stops. How did he respond? “Why don’t you two grow up already?” Excuse me? How did he get from what I said that we were doing something immature and not acting our age? Yes, The Bunny and I have gotten into some trouble in the past, but now we are harmless, older, and wiser. We weren’t drunk – we want no part of any kind of trouble – we were simply dropping off some things and taking care of business with Hot Rod. This makes me immature? F that. I’m really starting to resent the judgmental attitude. Even Mama Dukes sees a change in The Bunny. She actually called me at work yesterday to ask how The Bunny was. Of all the people in my life, my mom was the only person to really see the toll The Bunny had on me…. And even she is accepting of The Bunny being here to stay and she sees a difference in her. Do we get a little silly with one another? Sure. Who doesn’t get a little silly when they are with one of their best girl friends? Is it different from Kel-Kel silly and KTU silly and Cowgirl silly? Yes. But even those 3 are different from one another. There are different inside jokes. There are different time frames of life. Things are just different. It is what it is and The Bunny is here to stay – take it or leave it. I think I’ve ranted enough on this topic.

New topic. Weight Watchers. Why do the member who attend my meeting think it’s like AA? It’s not a true confessions session. NO ONE CARES THAT YOU ATE A GALLON OF HAAGEN DAAZ. I only care if I eat a gallon of it. I am there to learn new tricks to eat healthier, to exercise more, and to gain support in the battle of the bulge. Not listen to you wine about how you kept measuring it and eating it even though it give you diarrhea. (I sh*t you not – no pun intended – this came up in the last meeting.) And the woman confessing didn’t even tell us about the loose stools – the friend she came with did. Freaks.

Anyway, I’ve been caught twice now, so I guess I should get some work done ASAP. 10-4 over and out. Please excuse the babbling – my predictions? By tonight things will be fine with DB.

What's a Cockle?

G'afternoon Kids & Porn Stars.... It's been exactly 15 days since I last posted and I have NO idea where the time went. Let me try to recap, but since I am ANOTHER YEAR OLDER (UGH!) the memory has slightly gone, LOL.

Let me start out with my birthday recap.... Hmmm, where to begin. On 11/17, the day before, everyone at work celebrated with me with goodies, gifts, decorations and lunch. I <3 my birthday. (This is where the memory is no good - I can't remember what I did Friday night). I think The Bunny and I chilled & drove around. I do remember she came to my place and Mama Dukes FLIPPED OUT. Basically threw her out. I think we then headed over to Kippy's (PPPE) for some drinks and fun. However, DB called shortly after I got there and I went to visit with him. :)

On my actual birthday - 11/18 - I woke up to a very cranky and VERY bitchy Mama Dukes. She was still being bitchy about The Bunny having been at the house. I opened my gift alone in my room and went back to sleep. Everything I had planned for the day was put on the back burner and I rested. :) Which is my favorite way to spend a day, LOL. At night, *almost* all of my friends made it out for my big 2-9 celebration. Everyone arrived on time and we raced down to Mt. Fuji for some yummy birthday treats. I wasn’t able to sit as close to everyone as I had originally hoped and we had to wait 1 ½ hours to get seated (even with a friggin reservation!), but I was determined not to have my evening ruined. We all ate, everyone was getting along famously, and there were smiles and laughs all around. DB was looking quite handsome and I couldn’t wait to be alone with him. :) My friends gave me some awesome gifts ranging from 90210 season one on DVD, to massage gift certificates, to a beautiful reddish sweater, to perfume, to jewelry, to gorilla slippers. I couldn’t ask for sweeter friends. :) After dinner finished up, most of the group needed to head home, so Kippy, Bunny, DB, Kel-Kel, RyRy, Midge, Ray and I headed over to Ireland’s to continue the celebration. Drinking ensued and everyone except Bunny, Kippy and DB faded out. We played darts and enjoyed our night. DB and I had a small tiff, but by the time we headed home, I was over it. Until, of course, JT came on the radio (OK, I own his newest CD). DB got mad and drama ensued. It was an awful fight and a terrible time to have it, but looking back, it brought us that much closer. We haven’t fought since ;)

Sunday was spent relaxing and DB came by later on in the evening and we talked for hours.

I was off from work the week of Thanksgiving. And I needed the break from work. I got to see Cowgirl for lunch, DB for lunch, and I got some errands done that I needed to get done. I gave up drinking until New Year’s, so it was a dry week….

Thursday, Mama Dukes got her crazy eyes on, so I wound up calling The Bunny to come spend Turkey Day with her and Kippy. So, I picked up Kippy, we headed to Rockland Bakery (and skipped the whole line!) to pick up some treats and arrived by 1. We sat around with Sissy and played with The Bunny’s cousins. Dinner was TERRIFIC and I got to see Grandma Durkin (she’s like my Grandma now). All in all a nice evening. We headed to Kippy’s after where we played board games and watched some movies. DB called and I went to meet him at work for a little while.

Friday night RyRy and Kel-Kel took The Bunny and I to dinner at a little Italian place near their house. It was nice to introduce my friends to one another as they are all very important people in my life and I just like spending time with all of them.

Last week flew by in a flash. Being back at work sucked. I can’t even remember what I did. All I know is that DB and I are stronger than ever…. And I couldn’t be happier.

If I could remember more, I would blog more… This weekend was pretty much a wash as I have been sick for a while. I can’t seem to shake this cold. I can say this about this past weekend. Some revelations were revealed and I hold the record for the only person to pass the Outback Steakhouse employment test (Friggin SAT!) buzzed. LOL.

So I am off to bed now (again) with promises to keep you all up to date on the goings on in my life. 10-4 over and out.

Happy Birthday, Flirt!!! (Fellow Scorpio)

It's The Flirts birthday today. Drop by his site and give him some best wishes on his day. Maybe stay for a while and read his site. It's good stuff. ;)

Do You Know What Happens....

.....When you have some kind of insecurity and you discuss it with your girlfriends (who have the same insecurities?) It makes it worse. LOL. I sat and analyzed the ENTIRE night with DB with 2-3 of my girlfriends and although they were supportive and gave good "outside of the box" advice, it didn't stop me from completely overanalyzing the entire evening. Long story short, we were both two very cranky people who had a bad night. No more overanalyzing. It reeks havoc on my sleep pattern and my belly (who decided to hurt and gurgle when I'm upset). I need to take things for what they are and start worrying when someone tells me there is something to worry about. :) We both acknowledged our crankiness from the prior night and got past it just as easy as anything else in our relationship. I heart the Drummer Boy. :)

He E-mailed Me.......

DB e-mailed me. I guess I feel better, but I'm not sure. He said he woke up close to 1PM and cleaned his gutters and got his oil changed... I am assuming he didn't meet me for lunch because he felt there wasn't enough time. I don't know. Why didn't he answer his cell when I called though? Or call me and say plans were canceled? Hmmmm. I really need to stop thinking about this because I'll just drive myself nuts thinking about the if's/and's/why's....... Why don't people come with instruction manuals?? LOL.

10-4 over and out.

Frustrated......

G'Afternoon Kids & Porn Stars.... I need to vent. I want to start off this post by saying I am not mad at DB, I am just frustrated and I need to vent here. (I am sure this will cause a problem later). So yesterday he went to see and old girlfriend. I don't have a problem with him seeing her, it's more the fact that she doesn't know about me and I am a jealous person (at times). I mean, I know he wouldn't do anything with her, so maybe I am just being selfish because I would rather him come see me. Anyway, I'm getting off track here. So he goes and spends however long with her - fine - then calls me afterwards at work. We chat for a bit and then he tells me he will be in the area of my house that night, but he is going out with his friend (we'll call him Fat Bastard... I don't like him. I think I posted about him previously, but I can't remember.) So I say, "You're going to go out with FB and then not see me until after 10PM again?" (I assumed he would be picking up his son at 9PM which is his usual routine.) This annoys me because we were up late the night before and I was extremely tired and really didn't want to wait up again. I mean, I'd do it - I'll always do it if it means I get to see him, but it just annoyed me that he had this free time and would rather see FB and drink then come by me. Or come by me first and see FB later on in the night. I let it drop and that was the end of it. Before we hung up, I said (as cute as I could), "I'm mad at you though."

With my eyes practically closed, The Bunny picked me up to go get some eats. I could barely walk by the time I got home I was so tired (see previous posts that I have CFS and when I'm tired, I need to sleep...) So, I get home around 9 ish, maybe earlier (it took FOREVER to get to the place we wanted to eat). I get into my jammies and relax for a minute and then I call DB thinking I would get his VM and leave a cute message. He answered. WTF? I say, "Why are you answering?" He says, "I didn't have to pick him up. I am going to stay out with FB for another drink or two and then I will come by, OK?" I say OK and then we hang up. I get into the shower and climb into bed.

10:30 rolls around and he calls me, "Is it OK if I still come by?" It was weird because at 10:12 I said to myself, "He has until 10:30 and then I am shutting the phone off." I say yes and we hang up. Moments later, he arrives and he is cranky. I am cranky. We get snippy with each other. He tells me how he had 7 or so beers and a few shots. Just last week he said I was an alcoholic. This bothers me and makes me crankier. Then he tells me about his lunch and how he still didn't tell her about me because it didn't come up. Which brings me in a flash back to "B" and his comments of, "Well she didn't ask if I had a girlfriend, so I didn't tell her." Argh. I don't want to hold him against DB, but it was the first thing that came to mind. The I tell him I was upset he chose to stay out and drink more then come see me - he gets mad because he "does everything he possibly can to see me as much as possible" - and says how I am trying to control who he is friends with. WTF? Because I am a little selfish and wanted to get to bed at a decent hour, now I am controlling him? I know his comments came out of anger and maybe a little guilt, but it just escalated into something worse. He tells me how FB wants to (basically) kiss and make up with me, but I really feel like he a sneaky fuck and I have a really bad feeling about him and just don't want to have anything to do with him - I think DB is holding this against me. He makes a comment about a show I am watching, "Isn't she dating that guys friend? Why would the friend try to get with her and hit on her?" I say, "I don't know, ask FB, he does it." He looks at me and says, "He DIDN'T hit on you." Ok, that so wasn't what I was talking about, but how the hell does he know what went on - because FB says so? So my word is nothing. ARGH! I feel like I can never express any kind of dissatisfaction/sadness/anger without being made to feel like a fool. I tried very hard not to accuse him of anything or be a bitch about it, I just wanted to get my point across. During all of this, he was falling asleep here and there. So, not only did I not see him for lunch or dinner or before 10:30, now he was going to fall asleep on me? Then he comments how he watches me sleep all the time. Um..... Yea. I work 9-5 and then wait up all night for him to come by and have to do the whole routine over again the next day. I'm going to fall asleep from time to time. I told him about my reservation nightmare for Saturday night and I pouted. I REALLY wanted the Melting Pot and got stuck with Mt. Fuji. I looked at him and pouted. His response? "Pouting isn't going to change it." Um, OK. How about a little support? Like.... "It sucks, but everyone will have a good time, don't worry." Or how about, "We'll go sometime together and make up for it." Something.... Instead of making me feel worse. He wound up getting up and going to leave after going through my bedroom door and knocking over the dog gate waking my mother. I really didn't want her to know what was going on (don't need her input). So after he went to leave, we talked and then he said, "I hate when you do this. I get ready to leave and you get me to stay." He also said, "I feel like you don't appreciate all I go through to see you sometimes." Excuse me? What about what I go through to see him? It isn't all one sided here. I risked my relationship with my mom and KTU just to be able to date him and now I get this?? Is it wrong that I hate going to bed angry or sad? Plus, the one time "B" and I really had it out, he looked me dead in the face (much like DB did last night) and said, "I'm not angry with you, I just want to sleep in my own bed. We're fine. Everything is fine. We'll talk tomorrow." Then he proceeded to dump me the next day. It's wrong to hold this stuff against DB, but it lingers in my mind and I can't help it. So he comes back into my room and we lay down and chat for a little bit about nothing really and then the next thing I know, he's kissing me goodbye and leaving. I haven't heard from him since which leads me to believe that this "fight" isn't quite over. I am hoping I haven't heard from him because he's sleeping because he stayed at my place late, but I don't know.

OK, so maybe I am selfish in wanting to see him and want my sleep too. And maybe my anger for FB may have clouded my "vision." But I just want to see him as much as I can...... Without being so exhausted I can't even eat. Is this wrong? I try so hard not to say things I will regret when we "fight," but sometimes he says things that are so hurtful and my mom is upset by that because you should, "never make a dig at someone just because you're mad. When you're fighting, it's just a disagreement, you don't hate one another." I mean he doesn't make nasty digs it's more things he knows will bother me (i.e. "At least I remember everything after a night of drinking.") I don't know, I guess I am just sad that we seem to be fighting so much lately and I don't know what to do to correct it. Stop voicing my opinions? Stop talking completely? Act like I just don't give a crap? I don't know. I guess I'll feel better once I hear from him. I really do love him and spending time with him - even if we are fighting, but I can't stand having this pit in my stomach every other day either. Part of me thinks maybe I cause the fights so I can chase him away before he leaves me. But I really don't think all the "fights" are completely me trying to argue.

On top of all this, my mother and aunt are arguing. It's gotten so bad that Mama Dukes actually canceled our trip to Disney in March. Fabulous. I so DO NOT want to get caught in the middle of this. I am praying that The Bunny's cousin comes through with a job for me so I can move out sooner than expected. Even if I have to rent.

I'm Bringing Sexy Back....... YEA!

G'morning Kids & Porn Stars.... Happy Monday (5 days until vacation for me!! Yea!!!) So.... The weekend... Friday was filled with everyone telling me to #1, find a new doctor and #2 Not listen to his scare tactics. I made a follow up appointment with a different doctor, so we'll see. I decided not to let it ruin my entire night.

The Bunny came by my place around 7:30 Friday night as we had planned on getting some dinner and maybe a movie. We headed over to Friday's for some eats and DB called. All was well with us again. I guess I got a little crazy over something he said and he wasn't even really mad at me after all that. It's weird though, the more silly miscommunication we have, the closer is brings us. So I am not sure if these "fights" are really a bad thing or not. The Bunny and I finished up dinner and did a drive by or two (LOL). We had to get some fuel and we killed time just talking and catching up. It's nice to have her back. I'm still scared though. I don't want to go through getting close to her again and having some dumb f**k ruin it. I like having her in my life and I hate it when we don't talk. It's weird with her though, the minute we start talking and hanging out again, it's like no time has passed and we just get back into the groove. After we did our drive by's and what not, we headed over to Casa to see DB's band play. I was very proud of The Bunny (and myself). She had 1 1/2 beers and I had about 1 drink. We both had a fun and sober evening. Around 1 AM we headed home as we were both tired and needed some relaxation. :) DB came by after his gig was over and we hung out until around 5:30 AM. I swear, the more I see him, I grow more and more in love with him. He poked fun of my momentary mental lapse the evening before. I poked fun of him. We watched some Howard T.V. and we cuddled. He is just too cute.

Saturday - Woke up early because the pups decided they needed to go pee at 8AM. How lucky for me. I napped for a little while after I walked them and then it was time to get up and get myself to Kel-Kel's house for Maggie Sue's baby shower. Mama Duke was awake bright and early making baked ziti for me for the party (and it was yummy if I say so!) I "wrapped" the gifts I bought (i.e. - I put them in a nice gift bag with pretty pink tissue paper) and was off. I can't believe how much stuff she got (almost all pink too, LOL!) People were so very generous and I think she was pleased with all her goodies :) I (yea!) won the Baby Shower Bingo and came home with some lovely trinkets. :) I am liking all this Bridal and Baby Showers. LOL. After we helped Maggie pack her car, everyone left except for AJ, ERS and myself, but I had promised The Bunny a night at the movies, so I was off for home. I think Kel-Kel was relieved it was over, she worked her little fingers to the bone planning the Shower that she needed some relaxation time. I think she got it :)
When I got home The Bunny and I made our plans and PPPE was working, but decided to come meet us for a hour or so on his lunch break. So we decided to get some eats, go to the movies and then meet up with him after midnight. Shortly after The Bunny picked me up, he let us know he called in sick. Plans changed immediately. We ate a quick, small din-din and then headed to his place to pick him up. It was a little awkward at first - even though this wasn't technically a blind date. We headed to PR (it blew) and then back to our town to my old favorite place, Ireland's. We wound up chilling there until about 1:30. I wanted to go see my man, so I annoyed the hell out of them until The Bunny agreed to take me home. I was tired, I wanted to see DB and I wanted PPPE and her to have some "alone time" to get to know one another any way. It worked ;) I got to see the boy on duty (Sweet!) and then I was home fairly early. I heart DB.

Sunday - I slept in (yea) and then Mama Dukes and I did a little shoppy shopping. (Mama Dukes paid, can't beat that!) Afterwards I got everything done around the house that I needed.... Then my boy came over. We spent a few hours just enjoying one another's company. :)

Today was spent messaging and chatting with The Bunny, harassing PPPE via text and trying to get some work done. I attempted to make reservations for my birthday dinner this Saturday night and the place I had my heart set on was BOOKED SOLID! I am so sad about it. :( I called several other places, but no restaurants wanted a reservation of 20 on a Saturday night. Not even the Olive Garden? When did they become snobby? I was quite annoyed, but I finally found a Mt. Fuji in NJ that was willing to take my reservation. After about 30 minutes of getting the woman to understand me, my reservation was finally made. Then the manager called me back to as if I was really coming with 20 people. LOL. No one better back out! LOL. Do these restaurants not realize the money they will be losing out on??
Anyway, I am getting ready for the boy to come by and I just got home from yet an other dinner with The Bunny. I need to go prepare for DB's arrival now and maybe start getting my goodie bags together for my birthday. LOL. 10-4 over and out.