Friday, May 19, 2006

No One Is Perfect.... This Much I Know...

G'morning Kids & Porn Stars.... I hate self-pity because only You (or I) can make our lives better. But every time something bad happens to me, I like to wallow in my own self doubt/self-pity for a while and be a little miserable. This f***ing rain is not helping me one bit either. Let me tell you about how much my life sucks right now:
1) Murphy’s Law, I finally meet someone I can walk with every day at lunch and it has done nothing but rain since the second day we walked. Yesterday was beautiful and we got a good walk in and I walked in the AM with my mom, but that was it. 3 times for the last 2 weeks. Is God trying to tell me NOT to lose weight?? Argh.
2) The “Harrison” issue. I dreamed about him and woke up thinking about him. I get in my car to drive to work and I see 3 cars that look like his. Mind you, I haven’t seen a truck like his in years, now they are everywhere. Then my cd’s skips to the song that was what I considered to be “our” song. How nice for me. Damn Beatles.
3) The “B” issue. I’ve called him and called him since last Saturday. Granted he called me back Saturday and called me again on Sunday and I refused to answer. However, I have called him several times this week and received NO return calls. I got a few e-mails here and there, but no return calls. Over the last two days I received no e-mails either. I need an important # from him and still no call back. So yesterday I called and said, “call me back or don’t call me again.” I followed that up with an e-mail and still nothing. So I got to thinking this morning. He could be dead and I wouldn’t know it. I could be leaving him messages because I am in the hospital or something and he wouldn’t and doesn’t care enough to pick up the phone and find out what the urgency is. I want to have children with this man? I want to marry this man? I can’t even get him to return a damn call. So, tonight after I get back from my plans with Mama Dukes and The OC and I heading over to his place and letting him know of my decisions. Something’s gotta give. I can’t keep getting pushed aside. If you love someone, you show it. It shouldn’t be a hard decision whether or not you want to marry someone. You either do or you don’t. I mean, it’s a BIG decision that you don’t walk into lightly, but it shouldn’t be a pro and con list either. I’m so frustrated.
4) Recommendations for school. My boss filled out one and “Harrison” was going to fill out the other. He offered to still do it and he offered to mail it to me or we could meet and he could give it to me. (The whole conversation yesterday was weird and gives me knots in my stomach, but that’s not the point.) I know he will write good things, I’m not worried about that – I do want to see it before it’s sealed though. My boss kind of f’d me on the one he wrote. Don’t get me wrong, he wrote all nice things, with one exception. There were traits that needed to be checked off (Outstanding, Very Good, Good, Fair, Not Observed). He checked off Very Good and Excellent for most traits. Under Interpersonal Skills, he checked off Good. My only low mark. WTF? I want to be a Psychologist??? Psychologists need EXCELLENT interpersonal skills. Bastard. Not only that, but he gave me a little shit about filling out the form to begin with because me being in school might interfere with my working here for him. F*** you, buddy – you think I want to be your office sh**head for the rest of my life? No way.
5) People. I feel like everyone comes to me when they have a crisis. Which I like – I like being here for my friends. But when something bad happens to me, I feel like I have to go at it alone. Or be spoken to as though I am a child. Sometimes I really just need to vent. Sometimes I really just need a friend to listen to me and let me cry on their shoulder. I know I am “The Listener,” but sometimes I have problems too. Like this incessant stomach pain I’ve had since all this crap went down yesterday. I know life happens all around me, but if I just told you that someone dumped me or that I had a huge fight with my mom or that I’m having a bad day at work, don’t talk over me. Don’t pretend to listen. Don’t interrupt me with trivial things that are going on around you. (i.e. – (Me) “I feel like my life is going no where.” (You) “Wow, there is this beautiful flower on the side of the road.”) I don’t do this to you; please don’t do this to me. It’s very rare that I have a huge problem I want help with. Very, very rare. But when I do need help, I need my friends to be there for me like I am there for them. Is this too hard to ask? I shouldn’t have to go to my internet friends (no offense Flirt – you do give awesome advise and your ears are always open!) who have never even met me in person and spill my guts. And telling me to “get rid of him,” all the time, not helpful either – you wouldn’t want this repeated over and over to you, don’t do it to me. Sometimes I just want you to say, “I don’t know what to tell you, but do you want to go get sh** faced tonight?”
I’m tired of rambling because I am so bitchy and unhappy right now and tons of people are going to take offense and I am tired of talking about “B” and “Harrison
and I am tired of not living my life for me. So f*** everyone else. Bethany is rising up.

I’m leaving you with the song lyrics that haunt me today.
I woke up today
Woke up wide awake
In an empty bed
Staring at an empty room
I have myself to blame
For the state I'm in today
And now dying
Doesn't seem so cruel
And oh, I don't know what to say
And I don't know anyway
Anymore

I hate myself for losing you
I'm seeing it all so clear
I hate myself for losing you
What do you do when you look in the mirror
And staring at you is why he's not here?


You got what you deserved
Hope you're happy now
'Cause everytime I think of her with you
It's killing me
Inside, and
Now I dread each day
Knowing that I can't be saved
From the loneliness
Of living without you
And, oh
I don't know what to do
Not sure that I'll pull through
I wish you knew

I hate myself for losing you
I'm seeing it all so clear
I hate myself for losing you
What do you do when you look in the mirror
And staring at you is why he's not here?


I hate myself for losing you
And oh, I don't know what to do
I wish you knew
And oh, I don't know what to say
And I don't know anyway
Anymore
No, no

I hate myself for losing you
(I'm seeing it all so clear)
I'm seeing it all so clear
I hate myself for losing you
What do you do when you look in the mirror
And staring at you is why he's not here?
What do you say when everything's said?
Is the reason why he left you in the end?
How do you cry when every tear you shed
Won't ever bring him back again?
I hate myself for loving you


This just in. I responded to my Kel-Kel’s e-mail. Or so I thought. Nope, I responded to “Harrisons” last e-mail (they were both subject lines as “Hi!!” I need to come up with new subject lines...) In the e-mail I went into detail about how I lost respect for him, etc., etc. I then went on to send Kel-Kel a shotened version of the first e-mail because I can't believe what an idiot I am. So much for NO contact with him for a while. I should just stay in my room for the next few days and watch Golden Girls re-runs until I feel better. But, no. I am going out tonight with The OC and Mama Dukes, then out with DP. Then out with the girls from work tomorrow night, then I need to see my Kel-Kel on Sunday because I am so in need of some Kel-Kel time and a hug. :( 10-4 over and out.

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