Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Fats McD

G'afternoon Kids & Porn Stars.... I woke up feeling really good today. I worked out last night and passed out early (after not snacking, I only ate dinner - go me!) So I woke up without that feeling of "Did I even sleep?" that I usually wake up with. I walked the dogs, they didn't piss me off. I dressed and left for work early. There is a birthday and I needed to buy a treat for the birthday girl, so I decided I would head to the store this morning. So I am speeding down the Thruway, trying to get to the town my office is in. There was ridiculous traffic. Was I angered by this? No. I was still feeling good. I exit the Thruway and the exit is backed up beyond belief. When I finally see what's going on, I see a tree, not just a branch, A WHOLE FRIGGIN TREE blocking the road. People were actually driving through the wooded area to get around the tree. 2 guys pulled over and tried to move the tree to no avail. If you were exiting to the right, there was no difficulty. I looked up and see a car with the license plate "Fats McD." I was irked because I took this as a sign that I need to haul ass and lose weight being that my last name starts with a "McD," but I am still not aggravated because I worked out last night and I'm feeling good. Finally, one guy was nice enough to let me through and I was off again. Still not aggravated. :) I get to the store, buy a cake, some lunch (Weight Watchers meals, mmm), and I head to the office. I was in a great mood and I don't know why. I check my e-mails and start getting to work. I check my personal e-mails and there it is. A response to the e-mail I sent to "Harrison" yesterday. My stomach lurched. Basically, I thanks him for the reco, harassed him about my "good" writing skills (LOL), and asked him why he was so nasty to me last Friday. I thought we were going to be friends? I opened the e-mail purely out of curiosity. I was surprised he even wrote back. There were two lines in the e-mail:
"I'll explain.
I'll call you soon."
What? What's to explain. Now I am wondering. I told SVU about the e-mail and she said, "What a dick, now you're going to be wondering until he finally calls you!" Then I realized. Why wonder? Why care? He went back to his ex Bethany. Let it go and get over it. Probably because I am annoyed that I lost a friend out of this and because I do really care about him. But I am still in a good mood and I feel good and I have a good feeling about the impending summer. :)

10-4 over and out, this is Fats McD signing off. LOL

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Bitchy McBitcherson

My previous post was very bitchy. VERY bitchy. But, I think I have a right to be upset and hurt. I drop everything for my friends when they tell me they need me and I need a friend Friday and a particular person I went to couldn't find the time to even talk to me on the phone because there was "traffic." So I exploded last night when I never heard back from this person until they needed me to do something I despise - lie. I was going to write more, but I think this covers it. I'm sorry I was bitchy, but right now I am angry and this is where I vent. I'm aggravated, annoyed, hurt, angry, and to top it all off, I am at work. Wonderful. Happy Tuesday, Kids. 10-4 over and out.

Monday, May 29, 2006

I Revised It....

Dear You (You know who you are),
You're a pretty selfish person, but I revised the damn post. Lying is dangerous and not to mention WRONG. I'm pretty pissed at you right now and I am tired of having people in my life who sh*t on me and then having those people who sh*t on me tell me how my other friends sh*t on me.
I'd rather die alone and friendless that have people in my life that are selfish and don't know the first thing about beig a good friend. I don't ask for much, but I needed a friend on Friday, but you couldn't find the time to be one. Then you don't call me for 3 days OR return my text messages until you - again - need something. So freaking selfish.

Take care,

Saturday, May 27, 2006

Sh*t Dick....

G'evening Kids & Porn Stars... Some Memorial Day vacation weekend I am having. The crap started to fly Tuesday night. It all started with KTU calling me. Her and Larry had a fight. And it didn't sound like their normal fight - this one was huge. We talked for a while and she finally seemed calm enough to go to her parents and try to get some rest.

Wednesday came and they still hadn't talked. I talked to her for a while on the phone and through e-mail. I decided to blow off the gym and head to Friday's for some drinkies around 6PM ish. By this time I had already told KTU something that was bothering me. A secret I had been harboring that involved her. It felt good to get it off my chest, but it wasn't the whole truth and I knew it. And I felt even worse for not telling her everything. When I got there, I had a tall beer and we ordered some apps. We talked and talked and I listened. I kept thinking about how KTU was upset and disappointed - as to be expected. It felt good to get it off my chest, but I felt bad to have to tell her. We decided we needed to head to the beach for the weekend. We busted out this old school trick that picks who you are going to marry, whether you will live in a mansion, an apartment, a shack or a house, how many children you will have, etc. Of course I picked "B," "Harrison," Doogie and "M" (the hot bartender I met a few weeks back). To my surprise, Doogie was the winner as my future husband (I bet Francine didn't see that coming, LOL). We talked some more and I was home by midnight. Of course, before we left Friday's, I called "Larry" to see if he was worried about her. Probably wasn't the smartest thing to do. Around 4AM I received about 5 calls from "Larry." He sounded confused and partially worried since I told him I hadn't heard from KTU (AKA - she wasn't with me at Fridays.) I really needed sleep, so I turned my ringer off after the second time he called.

Thursday I hated getting up for work and so didn't want to do it, but I knew KTU would be e-mailing me and we needed to make plans or the beach. She did and we made plans and I booked a room (the only one I could find that was left!) and everything was planned out. She got out of work early and headed over to Larry's house to get some clothes. I didn't hear from her for a while and then my work phone rang - it was Larry's home #. Shit. So I answered. It was Larry - calling to yell at me. We all talked and they yelled, finally got off the phone with me. KTU left it as, "I'll call you later." And when I asked if I should cancel the hotel room she said yes. Wonderful. I knew our friendship was over and it made me sick that once again, my honesty got in the way. I went home after work - annoyed at myself and annoyed that I didn't want to talk to anyone. KTU text messaged me around 6 that she wasn't mad at me, loved me, and would call me soon. I went to sleep early knowing that I needed to get up early and run errands the next day.

Friday - Ran some errands and waited for "Harrison" to call. We decided to meet up this day so I could get my recommendation from him. He called early enough and we planned to meet at 1 at the mall. I was nauseous and nervous to see him. KTU called right before he showed up and we chatted for a bit. He arrived late and with a bad attitude. I knew he was in a hurry, but I wanted to at least say "goodbye." He wouldn't look me in the eye, and was very cut and short with me. We weren't even done talking when he was walking away from me. I was so hurt by his behavior I didn't know what to do. I called KTU back because I was so upset and needed to cry. She said, "I'm stuck in traffic - can I call you back?" This made matters worse. I was so annoyed and frustrated that when she did call back and we lost the signal, I didn't call her back. I stopped by "B's" place to see him and see when we would be getting together. He seemed happy to see me, but was getting ready to run errands, so I left. I called my Kel-Kel and she invited me to her place for some hugs and laughs. :) I hurried home, showered and got ready to head up to her place. When I arrived, we chatted for a while and just being there, I felt better. I got my mind off things and relaxed. I didn't think about "B" or "Harrison" once unless we were talking about them. We met up with RyRy (I need a better nickname) for some eats and Bethany had some wine. Mmmmm. After dinner, we watched a movie and I was feeling better. I headed home shortly after the movie. ***Thank you again and again.....!!!! :)***

Saturday - I did absolutely nothing. Surfed the net and watched some tube. Doogie called from Japan and this was the highlight of my day because I hadn't physically spoken to him on forever. We talked for about an hour and then later we IM'd for a while. It sucks that he is about 11 hours ahead of us, so chat time is limited. But, I hope he knows he call me anytime. Anytime at all. :) I called "B" as we had plans for that evening, but he said he felt "blah" and maybe we could do something Sunday or Monday.

Sunday - Did nothing again. Literally. Watched some tube and relaxed. I never heard from "B." Shocking.

Here it is Monday and I am finishing this post. Haven't heard from "B" or KTU. Haven't done much of anything besides laundry and clean the entire weekend and I have nothing to show for my 4 day weekend. (except clean underwear and a clean bedroom....) As sad as it is, I'll be glad to go back to work tomorrow and get my ass back to the gym. I have a November deadline now to get back into my former hot self. ;) 10-4 over and out.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

A Positive Post.....

G'morning Kids & Porn Stars.... So, after a few “whoa is me” posts, bad dreams, and thinking about “Harrison” and what happened so much my head is spinning, it’s time for a positive post to help get me centered again. So, here is what I am grateful for:
1) I am grateful to have Kel-Kel back in my life. We were such great friends, unfortunately lost a few years of our lives after we lost touch, but we are having a great time catching up. With her she brought RyRy who I think is absolutely hysterical, a great fit for my Kel-Kel, and is the only (other!) person I know who would push down a little kid at Disney World. I love it. LOL.
2) I am grateful that when my second roomie couldn’t hack it and left me pretty much high and dry, I could go home to Mama Dukes (even though she pisses me off) for a short-term stay and not have to live in my car.
3) I am grateful that my company gave me a raise and didn’t realize it.
4) I’m grateful for my KTU. She has become my rock and one of the best friends a girl could ask for.
5) I’m grateful for my college education. Although it hasn’t gotten me that far, I earned it on my own accord and I did it my way.
6) I’m grateful for my job. Most days I hate it. I have no desire to do this for the rest of my life. However, right now, it pays the bills, I’ve made some great friends here, and it’s good experience.
7) I’m grateful that I got last licks on my old company that f’d me in the arse. My current company just bought them out. I hope the dickheads (i.e. Salina) get “laid off.” Haha.
8) I’m grateful that I have a good circle of people I can depend on and who can depend on me.
9) I’m grateful for every day I have and every minute I’m alive.
10) I’m grateful that I’m not perfect and my life isn’t perfect because if it was, I wouldn’t learn as many life lessons as I have.
11) I’m grateful for Twisted Tea. I’m grateful that it is now a special treat that feels so good going down my throat.
12) I’m grateful for vodka. Especially when it’s mixed with lemonade. It helps to make me feel pretty and I usually wind up meeting more people to add to the circle when I drink it.
13) I’m grateful for wine. It’s only 2 points a glass, goes down smooth and hits my bloodstream quicker that Twisted Tea. :)
14) I’m grateful for sweet tarts. They are my favorite and sometime when I am blue, I eat a few, my teeth hurt and the pain from my teeth deters me from thinking about my problems. LOL.
15) I'm grateful for Weight Watchers. Even though I've been hemming and hawing about going back, I probably will. They always take you back and they never, ever judge you.
As the days goes on, I will keep thinking about things I am grateful for. One whoa is me though – “Harrison” as not returned my e-mail request for my recommendation. Why do I have the feeling something is up?

10-4 over and out.

Monday, May 22, 2006

Whatever "It" Is....

G'afternoon Kids & Porn Stars.... Happy Monday. Every see those "It" e-bay commercials? I wonder what it would be like if I could replace the "It" with a "Harrison" or a "B" and buy one on e-bay. LOL. Obviously, I have not gone through all the stages of Grief. (And I recieved NO phone call from Doogalicious! Boo!!) I got out and had a pretty good weekend.... Until yesterday. Let me give you a little weekend recap:
Friday - Rushed out of work and met up with Mama Dukes to see my psychic. Mama Dukes was all over me to take her, I was down in the dumps, The OC was interested as was my aunt. The OC and AK couldn't make it, so it wound up just being Mama Dukes and myself. We met up by my job and headed over. I always use Mapquest and have never had a problem. This time they gave me crappy directions and we were so lost. By the time we arrived, we had no time to eat first. We wound up having to eat seperately while the other was consulting with Francine. Weird. I'm not even going to go into what she told me because I'm not sure how I feel about it and I am not sure I even believe in it anymore. After I was done with her, I went back to the table to finish my dinner and my phone beeped - a text message. It was DP. "I'm not going to meet you later. I'm babysitting." I was a little annoyed. It was around 8PM and we were due to meet at 10PM. I was a little miffed that she waited so long to tell me - I was set on going to that bar and needed a night out to get drunk. Like Mama Dukes (and even my father!) always tells me, yuo find out who your friends are in a crisis. So, after we finished eating, we headed back to the Rock and I got my car. I headed over to "B's" place so I could get that over with. When I arrived, I looked around for the Melrose Place chick's car. The last thing I wanted to do was run into her or run into her at his place. Then I headed in. As I opened the door and was taking the first step up the stairs, there he was at the top of the stairs. "Hey!," he said with a smile. He came down and kissed me hello. I told him why I was there and we went down to the basement to get his laundry. We went back upstairs and talked. He hugged me and hugged me again and it felt good. It felt nice to be back in his arms. I stayed for about an hour and then I left so that he could pack and get prepared for his family trip the next day. Before I left I said to him, "Let's take this time - this week - to think about whether or not we really want to marry one another. Please think about everything. If it's not going to happen, you need to let me go." He smiled, we kissed, and I headed home. I watched my Golden Girls until I fell asleep.

Saturday - I intended on running a bunch of errands and getting so much stuff done. However, I woke up and watch Golden Girls and relaxed in my bed until time was getting crunched. I need a hair cut badly, so I headed over to Super Cuts. At first I thought that would be a HUGE mistake. However, the cut wasn’t too bad, but they didn’t dry or style my hair, which is what I was hoping for. So I rushed home and styled the ‘do and got all dressed up and waited for The OC to arrive. She was running late and got slightly lost, but around 4:45 we were on our way. We cruised into the city, parked the car, and met the others in front of Gotham Comedy Club. We piled in and got front row seats. We sat through 7 (I think) hilarious comedians, one being Vin Diesel (my coworker). We were picked on and at one point a comedienne asked, “How many guys do you have to sleep with to be considered a whore.” In all my glory (and two glasses of wine) I yelled out, “100!” WTF was I thinking? The comedienne looks at me and says, “100, really?,” then mumbles, “Whore…,” as part of the joke. LOL. 100 – am I retarded? LOL. After the show, we headed over to Moonstruck for some dinner. We laughed, gossiped, and had a terrific time together. It was like being out with my MAI girls. Very good times. We headed home afterwards and after going to wrong way, I got The OC and I onto the FDR and home by midnight. Sleep was so good….

Sunday – Woke up early and waited to see if Kel-Kel would call me. Around 11 ish, I gave her a call – I assumed she thought I was still sleeping. We decided to meet up at my place at 1. She came by and gave me my big hug that I needed. Then we headed over to David’s Bridal so she could order her Maid of Honor dress for Maggie’s wedding. After, we headed over to the Palisades mall for lunch at the Cheesecake Factory and shopped around. It was nice to have some more girl time and even though I talked about “Harrison” and “B” I was not hurting as much…. After we shopped, we headed back to my place and Kel-Kel headed home. Mama Dukes was home, so we decided to head over to my favorite store, Target. We shopped there for an hour or so and headed into the Christmas Tree Shoppe. That’s when my weekend turned sour. Mama Dukes decided this was the time to kick me while I was down and make some not-so-nice comments to me. I wound up walking out of the store and she raced after me – I guess realizing you shouldn’t open your big fat mouth when YOU AREN’T THE DRIVER. I should’ve left her there, but I didn’t. Instead, when she got into the car, I expressed my dissatisfaction with her as a mother and we drove home in silence. I haven’t spoken to her since. (I am finishing this post on Tuesday AM and we STILL aren’t speaking).

So last night I fell asleep around 6:30 PM. There were little wake ups here and there (the dogs, the wench (AKA Mama Dukes), but the sleep felt so good. I slept through to 11PM and had no trouble falling back to sleep around midnight. Mason and I cuddled. I think he knew he was getting declawed today, poor bastard. I woke up this morning after having a disturbing dream. Of course it was about “Harrison.” What is wrong with me? Am I in love with him? Why do I keep dreaming about him? So I again have this enormous pit in my stomach about him and the situation. I e-mailed him yesterday to ask if we could meet this week so I could pick up my recommendation. No response. (Shocking). Am I ever going to feel better??

FYI - My company blocked MySpace!!!! Boo!!!! No longer e-mail me there during the day - e-mail me at

My Horoscope for 5/23/06:
The stars light an inspirational fire under you, and your spirits make a corresponding lift. A difficult situation suddenly becomes the pathway for your new potential. It's time to concentrate on healing old wounds.

“The best things in life aren’t things.”

Friday, May 19, 2006

This is What it is....

Shock, Denial, Bargaining, Fear, Anger, Despair and finally Acceptance.

What phase is Bethany on?
Doogie, definitely call me over the weekend. :)

No One Is Perfect.... This Much I Know...

G'morning Kids & Porn Stars.... I hate self-pity because only You (or I) can make our lives better. But every time something bad happens to me, I like to wallow in my own self doubt/self-pity for a while and be a little miserable. This f***ing rain is not helping me one bit either. Let me tell you about how much my life sucks right now:
1) Murphy’s Law, I finally meet someone I can walk with every day at lunch and it has done nothing but rain since the second day we walked. Yesterday was beautiful and we got a good walk in and I walked in the AM with my mom, but that was it. 3 times for the last 2 weeks. Is God trying to tell me NOT to lose weight?? Argh.
2) The “Harrison” issue. I dreamed about him and woke up thinking about him. I get in my car to drive to work and I see 3 cars that look like his. Mind you, I haven’t seen a truck like his in years, now they are everywhere. Then my cd’s skips to the song that was what I considered to be “our” song. How nice for me. Damn Beatles.
3) The “B” issue. I’ve called him and called him since last Saturday. Granted he called me back Saturday and called me again on Sunday and I refused to answer. However, I have called him several times this week and received NO return calls. I got a few e-mails here and there, but no return calls. Over the last two days I received no e-mails either. I need an important # from him and still no call back. So yesterday I called and said, “call me back or don’t call me again.” I followed that up with an e-mail and still nothing. So I got to thinking this morning. He could be dead and I wouldn’t know it. I could be leaving him messages because I am in the hospital or something and he wouldn’t and doesn’t care enough to pick up the phone and find out what the urgency is. I want to have children with this man? I want to marry this man? I can’t even get him to return a damn call. So, tonight after I get back from my plans with Mama Dukes and The OC and I heading over to his place and letting him know of my decisions. Something’s gotta give. I can’t keep getting pushed aside. If you love someone, you show it. It shouldn’t be a hard decision whether or not you want to marry someone. You either do or you don’t. I mean, it’s a BIG decision that you don’t walk into lightly, but it shouldn’t be a pro and con list either. I’m so frustrated.
4) Recommendations for school. My boss filled out one and “Harrison” was going to fill out the other. He offered to still do it and he offered to mail it to me or we could meet and he could give it to me. (The whole conversation yesterday was weird and gives me knots in my stomach, but that’s not the point.) I know he will write good things, I’m not worried about that – I do want to see it before it’s sealed though. My boss kind of f’d me on the one he wrote. Don’t get me wrong, he wrote all nice things, with one exception. There were traits that needed to be checked off (Outstanding, Very Good, Good, Fair, Not Observed). He checked off Very Good and Excellent for most traits. Under Interpersonal Skills, he checked off Good. My only low mark. WTF? I want to be a Psychologist??? Psychologists need EXCELLENT interpersonal skills. Bastard. Not only that, but he gave me a little shit about filling out the form to begin with because me being in school might interfere with my working here for him. F*** you, buddy – you think I want to be your office sh**head for the rest of my life? No way.
5) People. I feel like everyone comes to me when they have a crisis. Which I like – I like being here for my friends. But when something bad happens to me, I feel like I have to go at it alone. Or be spoken to as though I am a child. Sometimes I really just need to vent. Sometimes I really just need a friend to listen to me and let me cry on their shoulder. I know I am “The Listener,” but sometimes I have problems too. Like this incessant stomach pain I’ve had since all this crap went down yesterday. I know life happens all around me, but if I just told you that someone dumped me or that I had a huge fight with my mom or that I’m having a bad day at work, don’t talk over me. Don’t pretend to listen. Don’t interrupt me with trivial things that are going on around you. (i.e. – (Me) “I feel like my life is going no where.” (You) “Wow, there is this beautiful flower on the side of the road.”) I don’t do this to you; please don’t do this to me. It’s very rare that I have a huge problem I want help with. Very, very rare. But when I do need help, I need my friends to be there for me like I am there for them. Is this too hard to ask? I shouldn’t have to go to my internet friends (no offense Flirt – you do give awesome advise and your ears are always open!) who have never even met me in person and spill my guts. And telling me to “get rid of him,” all the time, not helpful either – you wouldn’t want this repeated over and over to you, don’t do it to me. Sometimes I just want you to say, “I don’t know what to tell you, but do you want to go get sh** faced tonight?”
I’m tired of rambling because I am so bitchy and unhappy right now and tons of people are going to take offense and I am tired of talking about “B” and “Harrison
and I am tired of not living my life for me. So f*** everyone else. Bethany is rising up.

I’m leaving you with the song lyrics that haunt me today.
I woke up today
Woke up wide awake
In an empty bed
Staring at an empty room
I have myself to blame
For the state I'm in today
And now dying
Doesn't seem so cruel
And oh, I don't know what to say
And I don't know anyway

I hate myself for losing you
I'm seeing it all so clear
I hate myself for losing you
What do you do when you look in the mirror
And staring at you is why he's not here?

You got what you deserved
Hope you're happy now
'Cause everytime I think of her with you
It's killing me
Inside, and
Now I dread each day
Knowing that I can't be saved
From the loneliness
Of living without you
And, oh
I don't know what to do
Not sure that I'll pull through
I wish you knew

I hate myself for losing you
I'm seeing it all so clear
I hate myself for losing you
What do you do when you look in the mirror
And staring at you is why he's not here?

I hate myself for losing you
And oh, I don't know what to do
I wish you knew
And oh, I don't know what to say
And I don't know anyway
No, no

I hate myself for losing you
(I'm seeing it all so clear)
I'm seeing it all so clear
I hate myself for losing you
What do you do when you look in the mirror
And staring at you is why he's not here?
What do you say when everything's said?
Is the reason why he left you in the end?
How do you cry when every tear you shed
Won't ever bring him back again?
I hate myself for loving you

This just in. I responded to my Kel-Kel’s e-mail. Or so I thought. Nope, I responded to “Harrisons” last e-mail (they were both subject lines as “Hi!!” I need to come up with new subject lines...) In the e-mail I went into detail about how I lost respect for him, etc., etc. I then went on to send Kel-Kel a shotened version of the first e-mail because I can't believe what an idiot I am. So much for NO contact with him for a while. I should just stay in my room for the next few days and watch Golden Girls re-runs until I feel better. But, no. I am going out tonight with The OC and Mama Dukes, then out with DP. Then out with the girls from work tomorrow night, then I need to see my Kel-Kel on Sunday because I am so in need of some Kel-Kel time and a hug. :( 10-4 over and out.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

You Know What's Annoying??

OK, when I go to the ladies room, I quickly check a few things before I decide on a stall:
1) Does it have TP?
2) Is it clean? (i.e. flushed)
3) Does it smell OK?
4) Is there anyone in the stall next to it?

Here at work, the ladies room has 6 (YES SIX) stalls. I went in moments ago and found my "perfect" stall. It had 4 empty stalls before it. Why God why, did the woman who came in after me have to pick the stall next to mine? Whatever happened to one stall courtesy (if available)? I mean, it's just pee, but still??? WTF? Argh. Maybe I'm just cranky because men suck. Who knows.

I'm Hurt....

....And I don't know how to feel other than numb right now. I am sitting at my desk, lump in my throat, ready to breakdown in tears, but I know I can't because.... I am at work and it would be so unprofessional.
I was just dumped. Again. By "Harrison." Last Friday night we had (what I thought) a really great night. I didn't call him for a few days because everyone does that game thing. I called him last night and his phone was off, so I left a VM. Today he sent me the following e-mail:
"I need to talk to you soon about us.
I feel that you will not like what I have to say.
I will call you.

That was it. He sends me this at work. So I call his cell, it's off. I call him at work, I leave a VM. I write back, "Why would you send me this at work and do this through e-mail??" Then I call his cell again and we talk. He tells me that his heart is with his ex, they talked over the weekend, she wants to get back with him, and that's where is heart is. He tells me he cares about me and that's what makes this so hard and how he didn't really want to do this over the phone or through e-mail. BUT HE DID. And for that, I lose respect in him. I'm not sure what to think or feel other than numb right now. We are still going to be friends, but how is that possible? My gut is telling me it isn't over, but it still doesn't keep me from hurting right now. A few months ago, my mom gave me a prayer box. To pray for things, talk to God, whatever. So, on this box I prayed for "Harrison" to stop hurting over his ex. I gave a box to my new friend The OC. So, after I got off the phone with him, I told her the box doesn't work. This is what she said:
Re-read the paper in the box. Everything happens in God's time, not our time. He doesn't give us everything we want. He knows the whole future and certain things we are sure we want may not be good for us or may hurt us. Don't be sad. Enjoy the time you had with "Harrison", in the interim, your mate may not be accessible if you are tied up with "Harrison". Trust God, I do. Have fun with "B". Walking will be good for you today.:-)

The OC"
She made me feel better, but I still have this lump. 10-4 over and out - 7 hours to go until I get out of this hell pit I call work.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

It Wasn't Bad Karma....

I'm fine and everything is fine. Phew. Enough about that. LOL.
OK, but I am annoyed. I went to Panera with two girls from my office today for lunch. The one who sits by me at work (VSP) had some kind of apple salad and she got an apple pastry for dessert. I had my usual Tuna on multigrain (modified because I am so picky, so it's basically just a tuna sandwich). She decided to look up how many calories were in her pastry on their website. She called out, "What did you eat again Bethany?" I said, "the tuna on multigrain." She then yells out, "Whoa!!! Your sandwich was your calorie intake for the whole week!! It has 810 calories in it!!" Then my co-worker CT returns to her desk, "CT, you missed it! Bethany's sandwich had 850 calories in it!" (Notices how she adds 40 more calories to it.) I'm sorry she felt bad about the fact that she devoured a HUGE salad and a pastry, but is that any reason for her to knock me for having a fattening salad? Um, hello, tuna is full of protein and I asked them to not add any extra mayo (as they do) or add anything else. Plus I had an apple as my side. Not chips or a freaking pastry. Lard ass. Ugh, people freaking annoy me. My boss is on the top of that list today too.
Argh, I am so cranky. I need to just go to sleep. Soon. 10-4 over and out.

P.S. - Congratulations to future Ma and Pa Maggie Sue and Corey....

Monday, May 15, 2006

I Forgot to Recap My "Weekend."

Friday - went home and napped. "Harrison" and I decided to meet up at his 'favorite' pub for drinks. I headed over and made it there by 9:45 PM. I waited for him and looked for his car - didn't see it. Then I saw a college buddy of mine head in - so I figured I was safe if he didn't show or wasn't there yet. So I headed in. There he was, at the door talking to the bouncer. The bounce said, "It's a $5 cover charge." "I got it," "Harrison" said, handing a 5 spot to the bouncer. "Oh, is this your wife?," the bouncer asked. "Harrison" stuttered and said, "No, ahhh, ahhh, a friend." Ouch. I waited for him to stop talking, we headed in, and I headed over to my buddy and said hello. :) Then I sat down and ordered a drink. Yes, I broke down and had Twisted Tea. I wasn't sure how the wine would taste at this place. The bartender came over and we chatted with him. I felt like he was hitting on me, which was nice because "Harrison" was acting slightly strange (He picked the place though!). The band came on, we each had 3 rounds, I was slightly buzzed. It's about midnight and "Harrison" says, "I'm done, I'm leaving." I said, "Oh, OK," sounding disappointed. We hadn't discussed me coming over or anything. I wasn't going to stay alone though, so I finished my drink and grabbed my bag. The bartender says, "Where are you going?!?!" "Harrison" says, "She's leaving." I looked at the bartender and at "Harrison" and said, "Guess I'm leaving," and we were off. We went outside and he said, "where are you parked?" "Over there," I answered. "So, you'll follow me?," he asked. I nodded. I guess that was the invite or maybe it was implied at some earlier point. Not sure. We headed back to his place, watched some tube, at some "nuts" (LOL), and went sleepies around 2 AM. All in all, a nice evening.

Saturday - we woke up at 9:30 with "Harrison" being crazed about waking up too late. He had a ton of stuff to do, so I headed home. I slept most of the morning and then the below post happened. I went to bed early after calling "B" several times - he was MIA. How nice. He was too sick to go out with me, but not to sick to be out?? WTF? (turns out he was at his mom's, but at the time, I was PISSED).

Sunday - Mama Dukes was bitchy. Probably because my shitbag brother didn't call her, but she lightened up when we went to dinner with AK. It was nice to be able to take them out to dinner. My aunt was shocked I considered her like a mom and was thrilled I invited her along. Um hello? Dumb thought, lol, she takes care of me too! :)

This was my emotionally draining weekend. It was good and bad all rolled into one. "Harrison" said he'd write a recommendation for me for school, so it wasn't all bad! :) 10-4 over and out.

"Beat Me and Abuse Me, I Love It."

G'morning Kids & Porn Stars... The above is a Quote that my mother ALWAYS says to me. She doesn’t say it towards me or anything I do, it’s usually when a friend is having a problem in a relationship, etc. She said it again this weekend.
I am emotionally and physically drained. My new friend at work, The OC, warned me to be careful because friends with problem usually drain the hell out of you. And she was SO right. Friday afternoon my friend called me to tell me they were sending her to the psychiatric hospital that night. I never heard from her that night, so I assumed they confiscated her cell phone, laptop, and wouldn’t allow her any communication with the outside world. I finally heard from her on Saturday. We talked for what felt like hours. She told me how dirty the place was and how they were mistreating her. (And it sounded like they were mishandling her case. It wasn’t just someone regretting what they had done…) She asked me to call her mother because she wanted to just get out of there. I didn’t think there was anything anyone could do, but I called her mom. I left a VM and waited for her to call back. Not too long after, my friend calls me 3 times and leaves 2 nasty VM’s on my cell – because I didn’t call her back quick enough, I guess. I felt used. She kept saying she never should have gone to the hospital. How she regretted what she had done. She never THANKED me for saving her life. Could she have died from an OD of Tylenol PM? I don’t know, but I think it’s possible. I offered her a free place to stay. I offered her my ear. I offered her my friendship with no strings; no nothing attached other than me being there for her. She seemed to be blaming me for her current conditions and accommodations. WTF? Then she gets nice and mentions she just “wants something good to eat.” Like, she’s made at me for “making” her go to the hospital, but it would be OK for me to go out of my way to go get her food and bring it down to her. So, I chocked this up to her just being angry with her situation. (Although, our past history should have been a tell all.) She called me again Saturday night and asked if I would mind killing some time with her on the phone. Of course I didn’t – she’s one of my best friends. About 5 minutes after we are on the phone, she says, “Oh, P is here (her “boyfriend”), can I call you back later?” I agree even though that prick makes me sick. I never heard back from her I didn’t hear from her all day on Sunday. I assumed she was angry with me, or they weren’t letting her make calls. This morning I get into my office and I check my VM’s, get some breakfast and I settle in to start work. The phone rings. It’s the number of the hospital where she is staying. I answer. It’s not her. It’s her doctor. I think the worst, then the Dr. asks if I have five minutes to speak to her in regards to my friends “case.” They are actually contemplating letting her out. I’m torn with that decision, but I answer the questions honestly because I believe she will get help once she’s out. Do I think she is an angry person? No. So I think she will do this again? No. Has she thought about doing this before? No. How long have I known her? 28 years. Is “P” her only means of support? Yes. Is he good for her? No. Does he abuse her? Emotionally, yes. Is her mother a bog problem? From what she tells me, it’s one of her biggest problems. Do I think they should let her out? Yes. She thanks me and we hang up. Minutes later my friend calls me. “Did they call you yet?’ “Yes,” I answer – thanks for the freaking warning! “What did you say?,” she asked. I tell her. “WHAT? You said WHAT? Don’t you realize they are trying to commit me? ‘P’ has NOTHING to do with why I did this. It was all because of my mother. He had nothing to do with this,” she yells. I said, “You can honestly tell me that??,” I yell back. “Yes,” she answers. We go back and forth and she keeps yelling at me that I just don’t understand anything, how he is so good to her and how I am wrong. I say, “You call me every day and tell the awful things he does and says to you.” She answers, “That’s just completely not true.” Finally, I said, “Fine then. Enjoy your life with him,” and hung up. This girl gets abandoned by everyone around her and treated like crap. So what do I do? I abandon her when she needs people the most. However, what Mama Dukes said was true. Some women just love to be abused. I mean, I don't think they like the physical or emotional aspects of it, but they just don't feel they are good enough to deserve better.
My girl KTU said the following, “You did the right thing. She is looking for someone to blame right now and you are the easiest target. If she didn't want your help she wouldn't still be reaching out. You are a good friend - too good sometimes to people. Do not be upset by her.”
Is KTU right?? Or am I awful. :(

Friday, May 12, 2006

I Finally Got It!!!!!

That’s right kiddies, the Pink Razr phone is now MINE. I couldn’t wait any longer and Verizon sucks balls because I was eligible for the New Every Two because there was still a month left on my contract. What c**ksuckers. Anywho, the phone is mine and I have the latching cute pink Bluetooth.

I’m excited.
This week has been crazy. I’m not sure what I can talk about and what I can’t. Let me start out with that I started walking at lunch time with my co-worker (we’ll call her the OC). It’s been nice to get some exercise and when you have someone to walk with, the time flies by (it also flies because it is the only time during the day I am not stressed out with work!)

I called Mercy to confirm they received my application. They did, but no where on the application did it ask for recommendations, my resume, or a goal statement. So now I have to get those things into them. My boss gave me a little crap about the recommendation. He thought it meant that once I was accepted I would be quitting. What part of tuition reimbursement did he miss? I make good money for what I do here (I know I am worth more), so why would I leave and be in debt up to my eyeballs when I can just take classes at night? Duh. LOL. He gets so paranoid. Now I need to find a second reference and I have an idea of who I might ask. I’ll keep you posted.

Wednesday was a scary day for me. I was very close to losing a friend. I will keep their name out of this because it’s really no ones business. This person is having a rough time at life right now. We’ve all been there – nothing seems to be going right. Nothing seems to be on the upswing. I called her to talk to her about a job opening in my company and she was not sounding like herself. “I did something stupid,” she said. She went on to tell me she took 25+ Tylenol PM’s. I couldn’t believe it. I was in shock and I wasn’t sure what to do. I hung up with her, signed off my computer, yelled to my boss and left to her house. I called her on the way to keep her talking. When I got to her place she came outside and I rushed her to the ER. I was just glad to get her there and into good (safe) hands). Mama Dukes arrived and called her parentals (much to her dismay). I wanted to cry. I wanted to cry because she must’ve felt so alone to have done that. She must’ve felt as though she has no one to count on – no one to depend on. I wanted to scream at her and tell her “I’M HERE FOR YOU!!!!” But, when someone is that down and out, you can’t scream at them. You can only continue to support them and tell them how much they are loved. I’m not sure how to feel about this, what to expect, or how to help. I feel like everything I say or do is wrong and might make things worse. I’m very confused.

To get my mind off of things, “B” and I were supposed to celebrate his birthday this weekend. We were supposed to do dinner at his favorite restaurant so I called him yesterday for the name and number so I could make a reservation. He doesn’t call me back, he e-mails me the following:
“I was in a meeting when you called.
I'm hoping I can make it this weekend. I'm as sick as a dog. I have a big time fever. I'm sweating here and cold at the same time. Feeling like cr*p for the last few days now.”
So I wrote back, “I have other things reserved and planned. Should I cancel?” I have yet to hear back from him and that was yesterday morning. I cancelled everything. So I guess we are going to have to wait to celebrate since he is leaving for Alabama for a week leaving next weekend. So, my weekend is pretty much shot. So I called “Harrison” to see what he was doing this weekend (tonight). He, of course, is working late today, but we might get together afterwards. We had a really nice talk last night (again), but, as usual, it ended with a talk about the status of our relationship. Why can’t things be simple? We are both emotionally f*d up right now, I get that. But every time his ex calls, I can’t have him telling me he can’t see me anymore because he’s bummed out. I’m sorry, but it’s been 3 months. It’s time to start healing. So I laid all my cards out for him and said, “Do you want to marry her because that’s probably going to be the next step if you get back with her. It sounds to me like you want to go back with her because that’s all you’ve known for three years and it was your routine. But do you really love her like, are you in love with her?” We talked for a while about this and once again fell back to he and I are hanging out with no pressure – we enjoy one another’s company – and whatever happens, happens. He told me that when he is with me, he feels a real connection to me, but when he’s not with me, he doesn’t think about me because emotionally, he is f*d up. But the other night he told me he missed me and was thinking about me. How can someone who ended a 3 year relationship be so screwed up after it when THEY did the ending? I wish I could get into his head and take a look around. If not anything else, he might make a good case study for when I am back in school and I can write my thesis on him. LOL. I can’t help but have this really good gut feeling about him and where things are going with him, but I can’t keep going back and forth on what is happening with us every time she calls him or every time he has a bad day and thinks about the fact that he is now “alone.” Point blank, how I left it with him, “If you wanted to marry her, you would never have felt trapped and you would have married her.” I guess I should heed my own advice (“B”). I guess we are a perfect match, f*d up emotionally and all. LOL.

I am starving and I can’t wait for lunch to be here already. Actually, I’d much rather it be 5 PM already so I could get the heck out of here for the weekend.

Happy Mother's Day to all you mommies and mommies to be out there. I will be celebrating with Mama Dukes and AK at - that's right kiddies - The Melting Pot. I had forgotten I sent them an e-mail the other day about how nice our server was and how nasty the hostess was and gave them all my correct info when I made a reservation. So I got an e-mail from the owner telling me he was looking forward to seeing me and my mother on Sunday. Wonderful. Open Mouth, insert foot. Argh. LOL. 10-4 over and out.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Is This Bad Karma?

G'morning Kids & Porn Stars.... Happy Tuesday (my boss is out of the office today, yea!) It's time for his yearly "physical." LOL. Anywho... Last night "Harrison
called me and we talked for close to an hour. At first he said he didn't think we should see one another for a while (Capeesh?), but then we talked more and decided we wanted to see one another. Right then and there. So I got dressed and headed over to his house.
**I know what you're thinking, could Bethany really be this dumb?? Yes, I could. I like him and I can't stop myself.**
So, when I arrived it was really nice to see him. I watched him finish folding his laundry and then we cracked open a bottle of chardonnay and watched some t.v. We talked for a while and just enjoyed one another. I can honestly say I enjoy any minute I get with him. I just really like spending time with him. I am such a sucker. I am so asking to get hurt in all of this. But, to me, I am just as f**ked up emotionally as he is right now. I just have to keep reminding myself to just ride it out. Everything happens for a reason and good things happen to those who wait, right? I stayed over at his place - my face was so flushed from the wine, it was obvious I was drunk. I <3 wine at 2 points a glass, lol. When I woke up this morning, I had drooled all over my face and partially on the pillow. I'm sure he loved discovering that. God, he is so damn hot that I haven't been able to stop thinking about him all day. What is wrong with me?? Argh.

So, last week my friend told me something about an aquaintance of ours. And I laughed at this thing she told me because the aquaintance is an idiot and did something dumb (think semi life altering, like gastric bypass. Something that will change a persons lifestyle. But it's not that). However, this is something the aquaintance is happy about. But I laughed at them because it's not a change I would have made to myself. Is that bad karma? Will this bad change happen to me now because I laughed and poked fun?? Why am I so supersticious??

10-4 over and out. I'm off like a prom dress.

Monday, May 08, 2006

$15 Bucks For One Cup! (LOL)

G'morning Kids & Porn Stars! Happy Monday.... How about a little weekend recap? Friday was Cinco de Mayo. I was sssooo excited to celebrate and then wound up not doing anything in celebration. I went home after work (I left right at 5!) and watched some t.v., read, and just relaxed. It felt so good to not have to rush off anywhere. I went to bed somewhat early and was fast into dreamland when my cell phone went off. I see that it's KTU and I answer. It's "Larry." They are both drunk (She cheated on me!!! LOL) and they are having a silly fight. The rest of my night is spent on and off answering the cell phone and chatting with both of them. I most enjoyed when KTU was parking her car. Very fun listening. lol.

Saturday - Woke up and talked to KTU again to make sure the fight was over and all was good again in KTU world. It was, of course. I called "B" as we had plans for that evening. We decided to meet up at his place at 7:30.
**Side Note - At this point, I still have not heard from "Harrison" so if you are looking for a "Harrison" update, I had none at this time....**
So, after talking to KTU and Cowgirl a few times, I was dressed and ready to head over to "B's" place. I arrived at 7:30 and knocked. No answer. I let myself in. I head into his bedroom because I see he's not in the living room. I see a body under the covers. First thought, he's in bed with the Downstairs Melrose Place Skank (DMPS). Nope. He was in bed alone. And naked. lol. Silly Boy. I yell at him for not being ready. On our way out to the restaurant we run into DMPS. She is sitting on the front stoop on her cell. "HI!" she says to "B" then looks at me, "hi," with a small smile. She asks the person the cell to hold and starts talking to us. Well, to "B." They make small talk, she asks where we are going, exclaims that the restaurant is supposed to be good, then comments on how she has not showered all day and she is wearing the same shirt as the night before. She looks at "B" and says, "I'm sure you noticed," and smiles at him. I keep my cool and hold my smile. Finally, finally, finally we are in the car. "Did you go out with her last night??," I ask as calmly as I can. "No, I came home to change and ran into her." Argh. So we headed over to the The Melting Pot for dinner. We had a fabulous time even though we didn't have the dessert ("B" doesn't eat dessert... Argh), but our waiter was totally awesome. The hostess sucked and were SO rude. The bartender was super friendly too. And the food was fantastic! I definitely recommend it. After dinner we headed over to Fennell's for a drink (or two for him). I was way too full to even think about drinking. We went back to his place and we passed out from fullness. Definitely can't eat like that all the time, lol. When we got back, I noticed his pile of "love notes" had gotten larger. From DMPS. Argh!! So I read them of course. Is her "credit" still good? She "owes" him. "Hopes he had a great weekend." "Happy St. Patty's" on a Snoopy card. One letter actually said, "I hope you had a nice time on your date with Beth." OK, you see he's dating me. BACK OFF! Don't leave notes for him. I don't care if your friends, but seriously! Argh.

Sunday - Woke up at around noon. I guess we were tired. We decided to go get breakfast together and then I was going to call Kel-Kel back because I had asked her to chill :) After "breakfast" we headed back to his place so I could drop him off. Of course, DMPS pulled in right after us. How nice. She waived and smiled and headed inside. Then, a few minutes later as "B" and I were trying to say goodbye, she came back outside. So of course she started talking to us. Asking about the restaurant and what not. She wouldn't leave. I finally wanted to just get out of there so we kissed goodbye and I left. As I pulled out of the parking lot, they were left to talk to one another and she was totally flirting with him. Annoyed. I called Kel-Kel on the ride home and we decided to meet at her place at 4:30. I showered, changed, talked to Mama Dukes for a minute and was off. We headed out to Pizzeria Uno (All I did was eat out all weekend! LOL) with RyRy for dinner and then headed back to her place to watch a chick flick. Conversation was awesome, as usual. RyRy cracks me up and Kel-Kel is just to fun to be around :) After the movie, we chatted some more and then I headed home. While I was there, "Harrison" called me and left a VM. So, I tried calling him back on the ride home. No answer. I e-mailed him today, no response. Aggravating. End it or tell me your busy or something. ARGH! All this over a fight that didn't even exist or should have happened!! I'm off like a dirty shirt. 10-4 over and out.

Friday, May 05, 2006

Shock of all Shocks....

G'afternoon Kids & Porn Stars.... TGIF! Shock of all shocks happened today. I woke up - as usual - pissed off. Yelled at my cat. Yelled at my dogs. Showered. Got dressed (casual Fridays rock!). Headed out to work. My girl Rosa collected me from my desk for a breakfast run. I started working. Today is pay day and since I work overtime every week, my paycheck is different every week. I was also out of the office for a few days (Florida) and "sick" the day after Easter. So I wanted to make sure they allocated my vacation/sick time correctly. So when the Office Manager came around with my paycheck stub, I immediately opened it to take a look. If any status changes, they usually note it on the right hand side. I noticed something was written so I checked it out. My hourly rate was INCREASED. That's right Kids, Bethany got a raise!?! Now, you ask why I am so shocked? Well, 1) my company is sssooo cheap. 2) I was given a raise to stay when I threatened to quit last year. At that time, the specifically told me NOT to expect a raise this year. 3) My company is sssooo cheap. 4) No one told me I was getting a raise. i.e. I never had a formal review. 5) My company is sssoooo cheap. OK, so I only got a little over 3% and it only amounts to about $1,200 a year. But, considering they gave me $4K not too long ago, $5,200 rocks my face off! Especially since I get overtime almost every week. Today is a good day!!! :)

Thursday, May 04, 2006

MIA - For a Bit...

So tired and SO busy at work. I shall return soon. :)

Monday, May 01, 2006

Luna de Luna is EVIL

G'morning Kids & Porn Stars.... Luna de Luna is evil. I thought wine would be the better (healthier) choice for drinking and that I would remain calm, cool, and collected while drinking. Throw in a hot tub and little Bethany because an ass. A topless ass. What the heck was wrong with me? Oh right. An entire bottle of wine and then some.
There is lots I remember and lots I don't remember about Friday night. All in all, a very fun night with KTU and "Larry." Too bad the tub broke down though :) Although I may have drowned had I stayed in the hot tub. LOL.
It all started with me deciding to switch from Twisted Tea to chardonnay. I love my wine, but I weaned off of it because it was making me so tired every time I drank it. But, in light of the new points situation with the Tea, you can understand why I would switch back. We weren't in the hot tub long when I finished the bottle. And when I say finish it, I mean I drank a good mouthful directly FROM the bottle. The pizza delivery guy came and "Larry" talked him into heading over to the liquor store and buying me more. He bought the biggest bottle there was. Oh God. The fun was just beginning and this is where I started having only "snapshots" of the evening.
"Harrison" called me on his way home from work and left a VM, so I called him back. So, picture it. Me, topless sitting on the stairs to the deck trying to be suave and flirt with him with KTU and "Larry" still sitting in the hot tub. I mentioned that I wanted him to take me on a "real" date and that's where it all went down hill. I don't remember most of the conversation, all I know is that we were arguing because he wants to be able to date other people (hello, I am too!?!) and we left it as we would hang out Sunday night, talk about things further, and it would be a "real" date. Sunday, he called and cancelled. How nice. Story to be told momentarily when I cover Sunday :). All I know is that I don't remember the whole conversation with him. I remember bits and pieces and I remember sitting on the toilet, in wet shorts, with no top on. Pretty picture. So we left things as we would go out Sunday night - by my house, not his - and talk more then. I wound up passing out in "Larry's" mom's room with two dogs and a cat. I <3 animals, but only when they aren't grwowling at me (MOEY). I briefly woke up once to eat hotdogs with KTU and "Larry," and woke up two more times when "Larry" spanked me with the spatula. (I have bruises!!! Ouch!!)
Saturday morning I was awoken by the dogs. And almost lost them as the gate was open and in my drunken haze of letting them outside, I didn't see that. I was able to get them back inside and went back to sleep. Not too long after, KTU and "Larry" came downstairs and then KTU and I were off to breakfast. The thought of food made me sick. I couldn't even get a whole bagel down (Hmmm, maybe I should drink more... Less food goes in after. LOL) I had to go back to bad after that, so it was off to home after we ate. I proceeded to sleep until the evening hours when "B" finally called me back. It was too late for us to go to dinner and he seemed cranky, so we decided to just stay home - seperately.
Sunday we decided to - finally - get together. We went up to Bear Mountain and went hiking. It was a long day, but I enjoyed every minute of it. Especially when we just laid down near the Bear Moutain bridge in each others arms and talked about the future and just talked about whatever. On the way home, we decided to stop at Rick's for some dinner. I saw my girl Nance and "Chef." Both seemed to have missed me and it was nice to talk to them. After dinner, I was wiped and wanted my bed. I dropped "B" off at home and headed back to my place. This is when I realized "Harrison" called to cancel on me. I guess it didn't matter since it was 8:30 at this point, but I am not sure what to think about it all. He pissed me off by starting an unecessary fight with me :( Anywho, I am off as it took me all day to post this and it is now 10:13 PM and I am once again exhausted. 10-4 over and out.

"Dr. Ruth says women should tell our lovers how to make love to us. My boyfriend goes nuts if I tell him how to drive." --Pam Stone

More Bethany Stuff....

13) I have extreme man strength in my legs. I can move all types of furniture, etc. with my legs. I don't know how or why I found this out, but I did.

14) As KTU came to find out, I have an insane fear of pool filters. When i owned a pool, I had a hard time cleaning out the filter and always found a reason for my mom to do it. I can't swim near them or go near them. They freak me out.

15) I also have a fear of sink and bathtub drains. If I drop my toothbrush in the sink, that is the end of the toothbrush.

16) I can sit on any toilet seat, the fear of herpes or bacteria doesn't bother me. However, I can't put my towel down (when showering) on top of any toilets except my own at home.

I know, I am a freak.