Frustrated......

G'Afternoon Kids & Porn Stars.... I need to vent. I want to start off this post by saying I am not mad at DB, I am just frustrated and I need to vent here. (I am sure this will cause a problem later). So yesterday he went to see and old girlfriend. I don't have a problem with him seeing her, it's more the fact that she doesn't know about me and I am a jealous person (at times). I mean, I know he wouldn't do anything with her, so maybe I am just being selfish because I would rather him come see me. Anyway, I'm getting off track here. So he goes and spends however long with her - fine - then calls me afterwards at work. We chat for a bit and then he tells me he will be in the area of my house that night, but he is going out with his friend (we'll call him Fat Bastard... I don't like him. I think I posted about him previously, but I can't remember.) So I say, "You're going to go out with FB and then not see me until after 10PM again?" (I assumed he would be picking up his son at 9PM which is his usual routine.) This annoys me because we were up late the night before and I was extremely tired and really didn't want to wait up again. I mean, I'd do it - I'll always do it if it means I get to see him, but it just annoyed me that he had this free time and would rather see FB and drink then come by me. Or come by me first and see FB later on in the night. I let it drop and that was the end of it. Before we hung up, I said (as cute as I could), "I'm mad at you though."

With my eyes practically closed, The Bunny picked me up to go get some eats. I could barely walk by the time I got home I was so tired (see previous posts that I have CFS and when I'm tired, I need to sleep...) So, I get home around 9 ish, maybe earlier (it took FOREVER to get to the place we wanted to eat). I get into my jammies and relax for a minute and then I call DB thinking I would get his VM and leave a cute message. He answered. WTF? I say, "Why are you answering?" He says, "I didn't have to pick him up. I am going to stay out with FB for another drink or two and then I will come by, OK?" I say OK and then we hang up. I get into the shower and climb into bed.

10:30 rolls around and he calls me, "Is it OK if I still come by?" It was weird because at 10:12 I said to myself, "He has until 10:30 and then I am shutting the phone off." I say yes and we hang up. Moments later, he arrives and he is cranky. I am cranky. We get snippy with each other. He tells me how he had 7 or so beers and a few shots. Just last week he said I was an alcoholic. This bothers me and makes me crankier. Then he tells me about his lunch and how he still didn't tell her about me because it didn't come up. Which brings me in a flash back to "B" and his comments of, "Well she didn't ask if I had a girlfriend, so I didn't tell her." Argh. I don't want to hold him against DB, but it was the first thing that came to mind. The I tell him I was upset he chose to stay out and drink more then come see me - he gets mad because he "does everything he possibly can to see me as much as possible" - and says how I am trying to control who he is friends with. WTF? Because I am a little selfish and wanted to get to bed at a decent hour, now I am controlling him? I know his comments came out of anger and maybe a little guilt, but it just escalated into something worse. He tells me how FB wants to (basically) kiss and make up with me, but I really feel like he a sneaky fuck and I have a really bad feeling about him and just don't want to have anything to do with him - I think DB is holding this against me. He makes a comment about a show I am watching, "Isn't she dating that guys friend? Why would the friend try to get with her and hit on her?" I say, "I don't know, ask FB, he does it." He looks at me and says, "He DIDN'T hit on you." Ok, that so wasn't what I was talking about, but how the hell does he know what went on - because FB says so? So my word is nothing. ARGH! I feel like I can never express any kind of dissatisfaction/sadness/anger without being made to feel like a fool. I tried very hard not to accuse him of anything or be a bitch about it, I just wanted to get my point across. During all of this, he was falling asleep here and there. So, not only did I not see him for lunch or dinner or before 10:30, now he was going to fall asleep on me? Then he comments how he watches me sleep all the time. Um..... Yea. I work 9-5 and then wait up all night for him to come by and have to do the whole routine over again the next day. I'm going to fall asleep from time to time. I told him about my reservation nightmare for Saturday night and I pouted. I REALLY wanted the Melting Pot and got stuck with Mt. Fuji. I looked at him and pouted. His response? "Pouting isn't going to change it." Um, OK. How about a little support? Like.... "It sucks, but everyone will have a good time, don't worry." Or how about, "We'll go sometime together and make up for it." Something.... Instead of making me feel worse. He wound up getting up and going to leave after going through my bedroom door and knocking over the dog gate waking my mother. I really didn't want her to know what was going on (don't need her input). So after he went to leave, we talked and then he said, "I hate when you do this. I get ready to leave and you get me to stay." He also said, "I feel like you don't appreciate all I go through to see you sometimes." Excuse me? What about what I go through to see him? It isn't all one sided here. I risked my relationship with my mom and KTU just to be able to date him and now I get this?? Is it wrong that I hate going to bed angry or sad? Plus, the one time "B" and I really had it out, he looked me dead in the face (much like DB did last night) and said, "I'm not angry with you, I just want to sleep in my own bed. We're fine. Everything is fine. We'll talk tomorrow." Then he proceeded to dump me the next day. It's wrong to hold this stuff against DB, but it lingers in my mind and I can't help it. So he comes back into my room and we lay down and chat for a little bit about nothing really and then the next thing I know, he's kissing me goodbye and leaving. I haven't heard from him since which leads me to believe that this "fight" isn't quite over. I am hoping I haven't heard from him because he's sleeping because he stayed at my place late, but I don't know.

OK, so maybe I am selfish in wanting to see him and want my sleep too. And maybe my anger for FB may have clouded my "vision." But I just want to see him as much as I can...... Without being so exhausted I can't even eat. Is this wrong? I try so hard not to say things I will regret when we "fight," but sometimes he says things that are so hurtful and my mom is upset by that because you should, "never make a dig at someone just because you're mad. When you're fighting, it's just a disagreement, you don't hate one another." I mean he doesn't make nasty digs it's more things he knows will bother me (i.e. "At least I remember everything after a night of drinking.") I don't know, I guess I am just sad that we seem to be fighting so much lately and I don't know what to do to correct it. Stop voicing my opinions? Stop talking completely? Act like I just don't give a crap? I don't know. I guess I'll feel better once I hear from him. I really do love him and spending time with him - even if we are fighting, but I can't stand having this pit in my stomach every other day either. Part of me thinks maybe I cause the fights so I can chase him away before he leaves me. But I really don't think all the "fights" are completely me trying to argue.

On top of all this, my mother and aunt are arguing. It's gotten so bad that Mama Dukes actually canceled our trip to Disney in March. Fabulous. I so DO NOT want to get caught in the middle of this. I am praying that The Bunny's cousin comes through with a job for me so I can move out sooner than expected. Even if I have to rent.