The Juice of the Forbidden Fruit……

G’afternoon Kids & Porn Stars…. I am SO glad it’s Friday and for all intensive purposes, it is the weekend. Things seem to be coming together for me, finally. I am SO broke and Christmas this year is really going to be hard on my wallet, I have a feeling things will start looking up for me after the New Year. I found a p/t job – at one of my local hangouts. I guess it’s good to know the owner of the pub, I didn’t even have to interview for the position. All I had to do was say I was interested. I start training on Saturday. My stockbroker was very helpful, now I just need to talk to the brother, Briberry – swallow my pride and be nice to him. (God I hate him, lol. Well, hate is a strong word. I really, really, really don’t like him, lol.) So, once all that is done, I will hopefully be settled with money and I can concentrate on finding a place to live :) – if I choose to leave my free living space – AKA Mama Dukes place. I was also accepted into the Graduate Program at the school of my choice. I am supposed to meet with the program director next week for advisement. I can’t wait. Of course, no one seems to be on board with this idea or career path and it’s really starting to frustrate me. So I won’t become a millionaire – who is? I need to keep reminding myself that I am doing this for me and not for anyone else. I certainly won’t become a millionaire if I stay working where I am – these 3% yearly raises don’t do much as they really can’t even be considered a cost of living increase. Argh.

Wednesday afternoon DB called and took me to lunch. We had a nice time – just happy to see one another, which is how it always seems with us….. Not being able to get enough of one another. Then he sprung on me that he had band practice until 10PM. Normally I don’t mind that we do things on our own – it makes our time together that much more special. However, we don’t get a whole lot of time together as it is. With his time constraints and our differing work schedules, it’s hard to mesh. We’ve been making it work though. I always give him a debriefing of my schedule for the day and week – as much as I can. I guess when he just threw it out there as if it was no big deal that he had band practice, I got a little annoyed. I was wondering why I was just first hearing about it? I look so forward to his nights off – and he knows this. A little background… the night before he was also off from work. He originally had band practice also, but it was canceled. So we wound up spending a nice night together <3. I didn’t know there was a practice, but I was pleasantly surprised that it was canceled and we spent the whole night enjoying one another. I just couldn’t figure out why he never said, “Hey baby, I have band practice again tomorrow night.” Not to mention he was also feeling a little under the weather and in my mind, 3 hours of practice in a stuffy basement wasn’t going to help him feel better…. I assumed he wouldn’t come over. So we got into it a little bit – even though I DID NOT want to fight. He went on to say he could start treating me as “B” did. OK, didn’t need to go there, but whatever. I said that if he didn’t come over that night (because he was “teaching” me a lesson) that it would be over with us – I don’t play games. By the time he dropped me off, things seemed better. Night came and he came by around 10:30. I passed out as soon as he arrived. I slept the whole time he was over. In my defense, you all know I am sick and when I get tired, I need to rest my weary eyes. There was no waking me. This was not intentional, it just happened. I felt terrible and I felt like I missed a whole day with him. The next morning I sent an e-mail apologizing. :( He responds to my apology saying he might not come by that night and it might quite possibly be because he’s “teaching” me a lesson for giving him such sh*t about coming over and then falling asleep. WTF? Excuse me?

Anyway, last night was a good time (Thursday). I was so exhausted and all I could think about was getting home, getting into my jammies, watching a little 90210 and passing out. The Bunny and I decided to skip the gym as we were both in the same state of exhaustion. She called as I was driving home and we got to talking…. “Let’s go out,” she says. All of a sudden I have a second wind. She comes to pick me up and we’re off to Chili’s near my old apartment :( to meet up with Kippy and his friends. I will mention that the night I went out with DB, I fell off the wagon. Not hard, only a few scrapes, LOL. (SHUT UP RyRy!) So I decided to have one glass of wine at Chili’s. One glass usually gives me a good buzz – and it did! We chatted for a bit, I played pimp, and The Bunny, Kippy and I made plans for Christmas Eve. Awe……. Kippy & Co, headed out and then The Bunny and I needed to get some things done. We had our weekly therapy session in the car driving around Rockland. Found out some interesting news. Drank the juice from the Forbidden Fruit. Equated ourselves to the Bobbsey Twins. Took some pictures of a parking spot (I got a friggin parking ticket the night before – F’n cops!) Then, before we knew it, we both needed to pee – ASAP. So we stopped at a Dunkin Donuts and DB called. He “doesn’t know” when he’s going to see me again. He decided he was going to play “B.” So, I decided that I would play Bethany with “B” and tell him if this was the case that I would heading to the nearest bar, getting drunk, and making out with whomever I choose. I really wasn’t going to, but still, how old are we that we are playing games like this? All because I opted to speak my feelings? Is he kidding me with this? I don’t and try not to compare him to “B,” but more and more the last few days I am thinking about things. Then, of course, yesterday I came across an old e-mail from “B” that nearly brought me to tears. I didn’t remember they had archived with my personal folders at work. I’m wondering if maybe the non-closure with “B” is making him creep into my thoughts. Not to mention I have had TWO dreams this week about Harrison. WTF is that about?? Then I remind myself that Doogie is coming home soon and I can’t wait to see him and party with him. I keep hoping it’s like old times and I will have my Doogster back – helmet and all. Is it possible these three PAST encounters are coming up because DB and I are getting that much closer and I’m getting scared? Or maybe I feel the same issues I had with them creeping up on him and I? I’m confused and scared. It’s not even paranoia anymore. It’s more a fear of things not working out after all the effort I’ve put into it. I can’t take the baby games though…. I spent 3 years with someone who couldn’t communicate and when I tried to communicate I would get, “You’re not allowed to fight with me,” and the conversation would be over. I can’t go through that again. I can honestly say that it hasn’t come to that with DB, things are definitely nowhere near as bad as they were with “B,” but if I can’t speak my mind now, when can I? It could also be how I make things come across verbally; I could work on that…. I am not changing who I am to fit the mold though. I am a “take me as I am” kind of gal. Love it or leave. When he did call last night, I could detect in his voice that he was no too happy I was out. He asked where I was and what we were doing. I mentioned we had to make some stops. How did he respond? “Why don’t you two grow up already?” Excuse me? How did he get from what I said that we were doing something immature and not acting our age? Yes, The Bunny and I have gotten into some trouble in the past, but now we are harmless, older, and wiser. We weren’t drunk – we want no part of any kind of trouble – we were simply dropping off some things and taking care of business with Hot Rod. This makes me immature? F that. I’m really starting to resent the judgmental attitude. Even Mama Dukes sees a change in The Bunny. She actually called me at work yesterday to ask how The Bunny was. Of all the people in my life, my mom was the only person to really see the toll The Bunny had on me…. And even she is accepting of The Bunny being here to stay and she sees a difference in her. Do we get a little silly with one another? Sure. Who doesn’t get a little silly when they are with one of their best girl friends? Is it different from Kel-Kel silly and KTU silly and Cowgirl silly? Yes. But even those 3 are different from one another. There are different inside jokes. There are different time frames of life. Things are just different. It is what it is and The Bunny is here to stay – take it or leave it. I think I’ve ranted enough on this topic.

New topic. Weight Watchers. Why do the member who attend my meeting think it’s like AA? It’s not a true confessions session. NO ONE CARES THAT YOU ATE A GALLON OF HAAGEN DAAZ. I only care if I eat a gallon of it. I am there to learn new tricks to eat healthier, to exercise more, and to gain support in the battle of the bulge. Not listen to you wine about how you kept measuring it and eating it even though it give you diarrhea. (I sh*t you not – no pun intended – this came up in the last meeting.) And the woman confessing didn’t even tell us about the loose stools – the friend she came with did. Freaks.

Anyway, I’ve been caught twice now, so I guess I should get some work done ASAP. 10-4 over and out. Please excuse the babbling – my predictions? By tonight things will be fine with DB.